The twists and turns in the plots and conspiracy theories surrounding the death of the late Professor Brian Thrupiece are such as to make even the most intriguing Agatha Christie novel feel like a "Who cares who dunnit?". Indeed, hardly a week goes by without further - often fantastical - speculation fuelling the fires of controversy concerning the late Professor unexplained demise in a Swiss Hotel Room.
Not unlike the (not quite so famous) "Elvis is alive" saga, rumours that Professor Thrupiece escaped death all those years ago (he has been spotted in places as far apart as the Alice Springs Municiple Swimming Baths and the Threadbone Extra Superstore in Tarrant Launceston) are almost commonplace. However, this week's Dorset Edition of US Magazine National Enquirer claims that though Professor Thrupiece's did indeed die in that lonely hotel room, his death was not a natural one, nor was it accidental. The sensational publication (well-known for its invention of "fake news" long before "fake news" was even a topic at the Islington dinner parties of the remoaning chattering class) has published many stories regarding Professor Thrupiece over the last ten years, but never before has it directly accused Swiss authories (Les Authorités Suisse) of a complete cover up. In the latest issue to hit news-stands, staff reporter Hugues Spoofe claims that the Professor was brutally murdered at the behest of members of a FIFA delegation resident in rooms at the Hotel Cornarvin adjacent to those of the Professor and sometime visitor Shelley-Lulette Sizemore. He wasdespatchedd Mr Spoofe claims because he had overheard damaging conversations and "inadvertently knew too much". Spoofe goes on to say that, unable to risk exposure, a special Geneva-based FIFA hit squad electrocuted the Professor with his own nasal clippers before disposing of his body in a Swiss mountain cave (or grotte de montagne Suisse). "It is obvious that the Professor caught FIFA delegates in the act and may even have had sight of their large wadges as they prepared to touch each other up in return for unspecified favours", Mr Spoofe writes, "the hotel was certainly the place from which FIFA dark ops operated and the Professor's enquiring mind may have led him down a dangerous path". Only recently has the full extent of FIFA's nefarious activities and the lengths to which executives were prepared to go to protect their interests been exposed and enquiries into that matter have, Mr Spoofe claims, "blown the Thrupiece case wide open".
The Thrupiece murder claim is not, however, the only story likely to worry thrupiece organisation officials. In the same issue, National Enquirer investigative teams also expose the "devastating effect of long term adherence to the Thrupiece diet", as well as claiming that Mrs Threadbone has a debilitating illness which is leaving the Threadbone Corporation rudderless at a time of Drexit uncertainty. Finally, celebrity couple "JaSuz" (Suzanne Aniston Threadbone and Jason Sizemore) come under the spotlight with claims that their five year marriage is in trouble. All in all a worrying week then for the Great Heaving multi-corps, though a relaxed spokesperson Deny Itall said "It's all bollocks. Don't believe a word of it. It will be wrapping fish and chips tomorrow. All publicity is good publicity. Water off a ducks back. Basically its rubbish. Yes, I am looking forward to the weekend." Mr Itall has 2 GCSEs from Powerstock Comprehensive School.
Side by Side: The US and Dorset Editions of the National Enquirer: thrupiece organisation officials claim they are "relaxed" about the outrageous stories