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A Doctor Writes #487

Updated: Mar 18, 2020

As a doctor, I am often asked: Is trapped wind good for the environment? Such questions - lying as they do at the interface between body, technology and the environment - are not always easy to answer. Inevitably different patient experiences, histories and geographies would suggest variable and often unique cost/benefit outcomes though as a general rule, the further a sufferer lives from a wind farm the more likely trapped wind is to benefit the global ecosystem.


Scientific studies suggest that human flatulence [aka farts, guffs, trumps, pumps and "Christ on a stick did you just drop one"] is made up of a complex mixture of gases some of which have proven greenhouse effects. Unlike the humble cow - which discharges almost pure methane [a fact well known to Professor Thrupiece enthusiasts familiar with his youthful experiments in rocket fuel production [HERE]] - humanly manufactured gasses naturally expelled can be of very diverse chemical composition with no constant or even predictable specific gravity - hence the range from dense and heavy to light and upwardly-mobile. Much depends of course on the individual's diet and we can say that a "fart" [let's call a spade a spade] originating in a serial curry-eater with three pints of Tiger in his or her tank is more likely to remain in the atmosphere at a low level and will be prone to settling quite quickly [not unlike microscopic lead particles in petroleum]. Lettuce-eaters tend to emit gases that rise rapidly and dissipate easily - this is not to say that they cannot be "silent but deadly" - but it does mean that their power to drive a heavy turbine is diminished in comparison with their heavier-duty cousins and so, theoretically at least, their smaller carbon-footprint impact is offset by their low angle of friction, hence, mechanical inefficiency. In short, they couldn't rustle a feather let alone power a 50-watt bulb.


Di Apper was one of several local farmers who helped Professor Thrupiece trap bovine wind in an attempt to manufacture high quantities of rocket fuel. A happy bi-product of the experiments was the discovery that bull's wind had a heavier specific gravity than cow's and was more likely to make human eyes water. This in turn encouraged research into tear-duct milking and almost zero-fat custard.

For individuals suffering from intermittent trapped wind, recommendations include taking steps to alleviate stress symptoms through a regime of bending and stretching. Those with a constant or more persistent condition should contact a professional [eg The Dorset Gas Board or DorsetElectricity] to see if they are eligible for a grant to be fitted with an abdominal catheter and connection to the national grid.

 
 
 

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DISCLAIMER: Though it will be perfectly obvious that the absurd world of Professor Thrupiece and his corporate affairs is no more nor less than the product of a fevered brain, it is clearly affirmed here that any resemblance to actual persons, organisations or events is purely coincidental and that no slight or injury of any kind is intended to any person alive, dead or yet to be born.

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