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Corporate News: New Products #238

The Threadbone Corporation - the Dorset-based global conglomerate which was granted worldwide license to manufacture products under the thrupiece brandname* has announced a new - and executives claim - revolutionary product line.

* For the avoidance of confusion, the only exception was the companies which together comprise the thrupiecemedia empire [thrupiecehomeentertainment, thrupiecetelevision, thrupiecevideo, Threadbone (Global), Whisky-McNightly Communications, AJTCorps (US), United Threadbone Pictures Inc, Orinoco Film, Swiss Canton Digital, Girton Non-Industrial Light and Magic and, through its association with the Hornimint Company, thrupiecefilm] which remain autonomous under the inspired leadership of US-based Company Chair Louis B Threadbone.

The thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker will soon, manufacturers hope, be a feature of every modern home.

Aimed to help feed the nation as it prepares for 18 years of lock-down the thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker is set to solve the problem which, according to latest surveys, affects more than 1 in 15 households: child and adult night starvation. In depth studies by the Threadbone Institute for Domestic Nutrition Research [TIDNR] suggest that many families up and down the county are yet to become completely over-weight and that the only way of achieving the desired target of 100% obesity is to address the important issue of how to eat and sleep at the same time. "We are confident that most of the population is eating pretty much all of the time during waking hours, but the problem is how to keep up the calorie intake whilst sleeping - hence the problem of night starvation. Though it has had some downsides, one advantage of the CONTRIK-69 outbreak is that more families are confined to home and eating together rather than going out and about and exercising. If we can seize the opportunity offered by this period of enforced inactivity and bolster nature's natural ability to make us put on weight with a little external encouragement then all well and good".

Even as recently as last January women were forced to make high-calorie foodstuffs by hand. A tricky task for even the most dextrous at the photograph above clearly shows.

The aim of the thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker's invention is simply to help the process of boredom-based over-indulgence in the wrong type of foodstuffs by [a] taking the skill out of domestic high-calorie high-fat food production [b] ensuring consistency of pie provision across the piece and [c] introducing factory-scale into the home, thereby reducing the unit cost of pies of all descriptions whilst maintaining the carbohydrate, trans-fat and sugar content.

In addition to a host of up-to-the-minute favourites, the thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker comes with a book of classic 1950s pie recipes..

After purchasing the necessary 3D-laser printing machine with its simple-to-install online instruction kit all the consumer needs to do is download the appropriate software on to their desk- or laptop, carefully observe the easy-to-follow online recipes and simply print their pies - at a rate of up to 15 per minute. That's an average of 3 pies per family member for the average Dorset family [more if you keep granny locked-down and socially-distanced in the annex]. All tastes are catered for from the savoury to the sweet [we particularly enjoyed the banoffee-meatball-chow mein chicken tikka with philadelphia bake] and vegetarians need not miss out [try the 15 cheese broccoli and rock-salmon oregano risotto flan]. And there's even a pet setting to make sure you favourite pooch's waistline keeps growing with your own.

And as for that little problem with night starvation? Well, as usual the team at the Threadbone Corporation have thought of that too: the 24 hour rumble of the thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker complete with patent pie-completion alarm signal [and remember that's 15 alarms every minute] will keep you and your family wakeful through the night making sure that your as available to eat as your delicious pies are!!

The guaranteed weight-gain anti-day&night-starvation patent thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker is available for home delivery within 3 working days and is your way to guarantee you'll never want - and never be able - to leave home again!

The thrupiece digi-3D-HomeLaserPrinterPieMaker: another great product from the Threadbone Corporation!

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