Astrologists, bible scholars, mystics, soothsayers, auguries, oracles, truth-seekers, para-normalists, clair voyants, savants, druids, government advisors and other assorted nut-jobs [aka fruit loops] are united today in predicting that before the end of the year [or possibly next week] there will be widespread famine across the normally fertile plains, lanes, vales and uplands of our beautiful county.
Reading the stars, charts, runes, almanacs, apocryphal texts and ectoplasmic vibes as well as extrapolating from recent extreme events, the so-called DAGENHAM-C Group [Doom and Gloom Everywhere, No-one Has A Monkey's Chance] has suggested that the infamous biblical "full house"* which began with plague, progressed quickly through war and drought and has currently seen an epidemic in reported acne cases amongst 13-18 year olds at Herston general Hospital, will soon bring famine into our otherwise humdrum post-CONTRIK lives. A spokesperson for the group - Noah Kidding - said the threat was "serious - which is to say worth a headline or two on an otherwise slow news day".
* Great news - that means there are at least 5 more disasters to come! [News and Catastrophes Ed**]. Surely a tautology [Ed].
A perfect storm of worldwide shortages, food price inflation, dodgy supply lines, transport crises and environmental change will all conspire, says expert Luke Ona-Darkside, to bring about widespread hunger to all with many going unfed for up to 4 hours at a time - and in extreme cases - for more than three days in a week. Household bills are expected to reach £4,000 per week for an average family of 5 seriously obese adults. Speaking on behalf of the perpetually hungry, 70 stone mother of 15 Evie Waites said, that with sharp price increases on deliveries from Just Overeat, it was high time the government stepped in and did something. "With sharp price increases on deliveries from Just Overeat, it is high time the government steps in and does something", she said.
University of Afpuddle Chancellor and Chairman of Waitaminute supermarkets said that in response to the inevitable crisis [likely to hit most by 9am a week on Friday] they were suspending 1-for-the-price-of-2 offers on all dried and canned goods including pearl barley in the hope that this would reduce worldwide demand, reduce food poverty and delay any stampedes, whilst maintaining adequate profitability*.
*This makes absolutely no sense [Ed] .
I know but neither does Lord Waitaminute which is probably why he was chosen as University of Afpuddle Chancellor [Education Correspondent].
In the meantime alongside disappearing food supplies comes news of another mysterious absence. Friends of authoress, celebrity and former Professor Thrupiece co-horizontal jogger, Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore say that the increasingly reclusive star has not been seen for several days now and that there is no evidence of activity at her home. Her favourite swing hangs idle whilst her normally well-used sun-lounger betrays evidence only of the indentation made by her widely-admired backside. Though the Royal Dorset Constabulary have said they are not currently concerned and have no immediate plans to launch a woman-hunt, fans of the once ubiquitous TV star say they are seriously worried. "It's so unlike her to be out of the news for this long".
