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Kicking And Screaming

Tempers flared yesterday as, in the face of intense local opposition, Compton Abbas was placed into Tier 8 lockdown [All domestic premise's exits and entrances to be boarded up, no shopping [online or in person], no social movement of any kind, no two people to indulge in synchronic respiration and individuals required to self-isolate upper from lower body parts - ie no self-touching]. The move followed a breakdown in negotiations between the Compton Abbas Metropolitan Council, Dorset authorities and the RDC over how many toilet rolls would be allowed across the cordon sanitaire, how many motions any individual would be permitted to pass daily and and how many policemen would be allowed to enter any premise without pretext, permission or purpose. [The RDC had proposed 18 with fully protective riot gear or 12 without; Compton Abbas Metropolitan Council had insisted 8 were sufficient to restrain any errant and CONTRIK-69 enfeebled octogenarian.]

Tier 8 lockdown rules have become controversial since the authorities started to differentiate between different local authorities. The status of any given area is based on a complex formula which factors in the size and age of the population, its gender, racial mix, voting behaviour, socio-economic profile [including the number of important people affected], number of cashpoints, ability to pay offset charges and willingness/ability to make a co-ordinated fuss. All this gives scientists an indication of the level of risk [the so-called FeOQ* Rate] which then provides them with an objective statistical basis for manipulating the figures and calculating the manpower required, depending on whether or not the RDC wishes to impose marshal law.

*FeO [Fractional exponential Operator Quotient - aka F**k 'em Over Quietly]

Citizens in Compton Abbas feel particularly aggrieved, as neighbouring Compton Valence remains in Tier -1 [Do whatever you like behind closed doors, it's none of our business but for goodness sake don't make too much noise and clean up afterwards.] They argue that it may be more than coincidence that Dorset County Health Authority Chair, Dr Stef O'Scope and the RDC's Acting Deputy Chief Constable and former Head of Traffic, Commander Seete-Belte both live in Compton Valence.

Mr Archibald Arsolend has been declared yet another victim of the pandemic as a result of his being prevented from placing his usual bet at this Dorset Casino outlet. His name has been added to the official indictment of the disease that will be heard at its Heath Crimes Tribunal sometime in 2056.

However, in a statement rejecting this "hurtful and unwarranted suggestion", Commander Seete-Belte explained that at no point did any resident member of the Compton Valence community come within 0.5 metres of a Compton Abbas residence in the weeks of August 5th to August 19th and that this had protected the population of Compton Valence from "the ravages of this devastating disease which as recently as last month caused a 91 year old man to miss an appointment at his local Dorset Casino outlet". He went on to explain that the man in question - Archibald Arsolend - had been forced to ask his 8 year old nephew to go online and place his bet instead via the University of Afpuddle's digital betting portal. "Only by focussing on individual cases like this will we see the hardship and heartbreak this awful disease is visiting upon us and defeat the naysayers. If they could have witnessed Mr Arsolend's distress when "Do the Business" came in last at the 2.15 socially-distanced CONTRIK-69 Handicap Steeplechase at Fontmell Magna, they wouldn't be so cruel as to insist that we should even think of planning a return to normal life in the next ten years". "Some people are just plain selfish", a spokesperson for the Dorset Countrywide Authority said from her delightful Compton Valance home.

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