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Love Island Series 12 Episode 354b

Still hounded by indomitable reporters from the Sydling St Nicholas Sun ["When they're on a case they stick like s**t to a blanket" says Editor Ron Nasty], Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore has once again decamped - changing residence for a third time in as many days - in the vague hope of finding peace in her increasingly troubled world.

A small but determined posse of reporters sets out for Ms Sizemore's latest retreat determined to ensure that any clandestine meeting she may be planning does not go unrecorded.

Escaping in the early hours on a small privately-chartered boat to the almost uninhabited Island of Lost Hope - Νησί της χαμένης ελπίδας [Nisí tis chaménis elpídas] - just off the southern tip of the Greek Island of Zakynthos, Ms Sizemore must have been confident she had finally shaken off her pursuers and that she was headed towards the privacy and seclusion she has craved ever since leaving the home of her piano and personal fitness instructor ["with a slight buttock cramping due to over-pedaling"] just three short days ago. The Island is believed to be the private property of the Threadbone Corporation, purchased in 2009 from windfall profits resulting from a highly successful dip into the "dried beer nuts racket".

Evidence of a bunch of w*****s hanging around with nothing better to do is overwhelming

Alas, only 20 minutes later a motor-powered launch was seen leaving the small port at Laganas and can confirm that amongst its 14 passengers were twelve reporters and two photographers from the Sydling St Nicholas Sun. Evidence of their overnight vigil could be found on the beach shortly after their departure though the local police [Τοπική αστυνομία] suggested that the discarded pile of cigarette butts was "πολύ παρθένο για αυτούς τους αηδιαστικούς χοίρους" ["polý parthéno gia aftoús tous aidiastikoús choírous]* adding that "εν αναμονή της ανάλυσης DNA η κριτική επιτροπή είναι αναποφάσιστη" ["en anamoní tis análysis DNA i kritikí epitropí eínai anapofásisti"]**

* far too neat for these disgusting pigs

** pending DNA analysis the jury is undecided

Meanwhile, observers noted that less than an hour later another small boat departed from Kalamaki a mere two miles up the coast and that it too appeared to be heading for the island. Sources close to Ms Sizemore would neither confirm nor deny that one of the passengers was "an older man with glasses and a bushy mustache wearing only a bandana, a small silver posing pouch and a broad grin". Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor Ron Nasty claimed to know nothing about this third embarkation but confirmed that the man described was not in the newspaper's employ.

That wheelbarrow moments after the devastating accident which left Ms Le Bling with a small cut, a bruise to her elbow and a significant hangover. "Drink had been taken" hotel staff revealed.

Meanwhile, in other developments, Ms Ianda Le Bling was said to be "out of danger" and "recovering well" following her fall from a poorly maintained hotel wheelbarrow yesterday. Husband Dennis said she had sustained minor injuries during the fall [he denied accusations both of "traveling at excessive speed for a one-wheeled vehicle" and "wantonly tipping said vehicle at an angle likely to cause unintended egress"] and that she was probably lucky to have been "accidentally anesthetized at the time". The couple had been attending a cocktail making workshop at the Hotel Erotica when Ms Le Bling was "taken ill and removed for her own safety". It was during transit that the accident occurred. Local police [Τοπική αστυνομία] have impounded the vehicle for further testing and have asked "the driver" to explain himself. Mr Le Bling was later released without charge.

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