Updated: May 17, 2022
Senior members of Alma Mater College were rocked today by allegations of historic abuse levelled by an alumnus who claims that during initiation ceremonies in the 1950s he was forced to remove his shoes and socks, eat several meat pies and quaff “more than half a pint of Robinson’s Barley Water” whilst another undergraduate performed a questionable act upon his person.*
* The act allegedly involved two spoons, a retort and a medium-sized bunch of grapes
Now an elected member of the Greater Chilfrome Metropolitan District Council, the complainant Mr Mee-Two [who cannot be named for legal reasons], told a journalist from Monday’s edition of the the Mappowder Sunday Mirror that the incident had scarred him for life and that he has walked in fear not only of meat but also of meat and potato pies [including Cornish pasties] ever since. “Even the thought that I might enter a room and find myself in the presence of a meat-based baked or otherwise processed comestible fills me with horror”. Mr Mee-Two further claims that when he reported the original incident to the College Nurse, he was given a proprietary indigestion tablet and told to “grow a pair and get on with it”.
In a statement Alma Mater College said that those now responsible for student well-being were shocked and horrified to hear of the distress Mr Mee-Two had suffered and blamed “the nurse and a number of rogue Fellows” for the College’s failure to take his complaint seriously at the time. [I think what they meant to say was "That was in another country and besides the Nurse is dead" [Ed]]. Off the record, the current Fellow for Rape and Pillage, Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm, said that he and his colleagues were particularly fearful of the impact the allegations might have on the College’s ongoing fundraising campaign and stressed that all of those in post at the time of the incident were now either dead, retired or in hiding. “Nothing”, he said, “should deter those who want to give generously from doing so”. Asked if a portion of future donations might be ring-fenced to improve pastoral care at the College, he hesitated before making clear that any such inquiries should be directed at a future date to the Tutor for Resource Allocation and Operational Profitability who was currently busy finalising the 10 year plan for estate development.
A spokesperson for the University said that it had full confidence in those now responsible for the “direction of travel” at Alma Mater and that no externally-imposed regime change was planned. “We feel certain that the matter will be dealt with fairly, expeditiously and without proper [or indeed any] investigation and express our absolute certainty that the donations pipeline will not be adversely affected”. “Beneath the serene exterior there is, as I speak, some furious paddling going on to ensure that the financial status of the College remains unimpaired”, he continued. “As I understand it, Mr Mee-Two is being invited to tour the College’s new library - a sign, if ever there was one, of how the new Alma Mater has shuffled off its old image and habits and embraced the many challenge facing a socially-aware and properly avaricious 21st century institution”.
THAT STATEMENT IN FULL
Alma Mater College operates a strict code of practice with regard to the safety and well-being of all of its members and is committed to stamping out all behaviours which threaten the mental, physical and emotional security [as well as the economic well-being] of all those involved in and associated with our inclusive, diverse and tolerant community. We are confident that the College’s strict non-tolerance protocols guarantee that all our members can live without fear of being challenged, upset or otherwise undermined by any other person or opinion or object [including all meat-based baked or otherwise processed comestibles] and we are certain that nothing similar to the experience suffered by Mr Mee-Two can ever happen again. We will be inviting Mr Mee-Two to visit the College to advise us on how our well-founded, well-honed and well-proven policy can be completely overhauled and replaced by something that works.
GIVING TO ALMA MATER COLLEGE
Anyone can give to the College and we urge everyone to do so. Every pound [large round numbers please] received will be applied to helping improve the College's financial standing without which nothing else is of any permanent value. Donations under £500,000 will not be acknowledged but those giving less are assured of our short-term gratitude. Their names will be included on a list of donors submitted under Reported Business [and therefore neither read nor discussed] to a Governing Body meeting at a date to be determined.