Updated: Dec 1, 2020
Acquisition of the Verwood Vegan Foods Group by Threadbone Economy Meats inc and it’s subsequent rebranding as Verwood Viands is, say food retail sector analysts, likely to signal a significant change in the direction of travel for the new company. Famed for its high quality [ie expensive [Ed]] single-source, organic provender and for catering to the tastes of the ludicrously fussy eater, the food groups likely to be represented in its replacement off-the-shelf, pre-cooked, ready-to-eat-in-seconds, microwaveable super economy range are going to be very different. Threadbone Economy Meats Inc's Head of Acquisitions - Hedda Akwisiczns - believes that the range will prove popular in the run up to Christmas as the general public - which hasn't been inside a decent shop this side of last Christmas - decides it can't be arsed with buying and defrosting a turkey and settles instead for a tasty chairside ready-meal alongside its festive Des O'Connor re-runs.
A significant change was signalled immediately today with news that first in the rebranded products launch range will be its Verwood "Venison" Burger Steaks. Marketed under the slogan "Because they're Deer to your Hart" [though by no means good for it [Ed]], the faux-stag-based comestibles are likely to attract the attention not only of the Dorset Advertising Standards Authority but also the Dorset Mechanically-recovered Meat Hygiene and Safety Board. A spokesperson for the former - Miss Ledd - said that it was quite possible that investigators would take an interest in the product, but by no means a "slam dunk". "It all depends really - and largely on the state of our investigators' finances in the run up to Christmas. If Threadbone Economy Meats' chequebook and our investigators’ personal equity needs find themselves in planetary alignment as we approach the Winter equinox, then any unseemly probing might be avoided. Personally I've never been a fan of unseemly probing - especially since the Office Christmas Party in 2016 - it took weeks to get rid of the photocopier-shaped indent on the left-hand side of my right buttock".
In the meantime, Threadbone Economy Meats anticipate strong pre-Christmas sales as curious and impecunious customers seek out new flavours. "Venison Burger Steaks with all the trimmings could be the seasonal hit", says Head of Marketing Perse Way-Shen, "which is why we have also developed our offal-based Christmas faux-sprouts - "all that much to be welcomed flatulence with non of the awful pr—taste!"
Verwood Viands - "Because You are what you Meat"