Not Even A Small Prick

Excitement in the medical community reached fever pitch today with the announcement by Threadbone Pharmaceuticals Ltd that, in partnership with American giant Sur'Prizer ["The Ampulizer"] - best known for its startlingly effective penis enlargement supplements - it had developed the worlds first 100% effective orally-administered anti-CONTIK-69 vaccine.

Royal Dorset Constabulary spokeswoman Ms Cressida "Cress" Fallen spoke for all involved in law enforcement yesterday as she voiced her fears of large scale redundancy, under-employment and depression amongst armed police force officers left with "no purpose or meaning in their lives".

The discovery of an effective and easily-delivered vaccine has been dreaded by governments world wide who fear it may signal the end for their collaborative programmes designed to demoralise, de-stabilize, cower, subdue and infantilize their law-abiding citizens as well as extinguish for ever the once natural desire of the population at large to leave their own homes from time to time. "There is a serious prospect that meeting up with family and loved ones may soon be de-criminalized", a downcast spokeswoman for Sir Rising Crimewave said, "added to which it may no longer be against the law to share a marmite and banana sandwich in an unheated public place. This is a sad day for crime prevention officers worldwide. I don't know what will motivate them to get up in the morning'.

In the meantime, news of the breakthrough vaccine [which comes in molten liquid form and must be stored and administered at 200C] has sent shares in the Threadbone/Pfizer joint venture company rocketing from 2p on Friday last to £2,000 per ordinary share today - an increase in value not seen for any multi-national, corporately-owned enterprise since the memorable day in 2005 when Threadbone Corporation and AJTCorps owner Mrs Amanda J Threadbone announced she was taking over as CEO, CFO, Board Chair, President and General Factotum of the Great Heaving-based thrupieceorganisation*.

* Some of the share rise was, say analysts, the result of an anticipated increase in sales of Mouthease, Threadbone Pharmaceuticals' patent post-severe-burn gum and palate restorer.

[ABOVE]: Most of the vaccines which have reached the stage of field trials rely on old fashioned delivery technology; typically the inoculation method involving ampules, needles and subsequent blood transfusions. The new and most recently approved vaccine uses the oral method, a technique pioneered by Threadbone associate Ms Drusilla Likhtarovich during her days as a Stringbonefellows hostess.

Asked to make clear whether 100% effective meant that the days of the virus-based terrorization of the ordinary citizen were over, a Threadbone Pharmaceuticals Executive, who asked not to be named, said: "It depends what you mean by 100%". "We are certainly not saying that inoculation [even after the full 10 doses] will make it impossible for a person to contract the virus", Mr Placebo Domingo went on to explain, "nor that if you have already had CONTRIK-69 you are guaranteed not to be re-infected. Neither are we saying that an inoculated person will not be able to pass the disease on to other people or that any positive immunization effects will last longer than a week, but the public can be assured that - despite any appearances to the contrary - the vaccine works brilliantly and that they should be grateful for that fact alone". "Some good news should not be burdened with further scrutiny", Mr Domingo added.

Snake-oil Ltd's hair restorer tonic also comes in oral doses and shares, say the manufacturers, many of the properties [and ingredients] of the new anti-CONTIK-69 vaccine. Sceptics fear it may also exhibit the same efficacy.

Giant Pharma rival, Sir Con Mann, CEO of Snake-oil Ltd, unselfishly welcomed news of the virus's effective field trials and applauded the developers' PR efforts, asking only that the same tolerant criteria of effectiveness should now be applied to his company's Hair Restorer Tonic. "We've always been very clear that applying it daily for 3 years does not mean that patients will not suffer further hair loss, that regrowth is certain [or even likely] or that they might not be significant side-effects [one woman reported severe irritation after accidentally applying it to her Schnauzer] but we are pleased that, according to the benchmark established by today's vaccine announcement, we can continue to claim that our tonic is 100% effective. That is all we have ever done and all we will do in future".

A spokesperson for the Dorset Health Authorities meanwhile insisted that "whilst this is clearly very good news for us all, we are not out of the woods yet. Logistical difficulties associated with distribution and proper storage, allied to current production limitations means we will not immediately have enough doses for everyone who wants them and most people will have to stay patient [and locked up] until at least 2028 or whenever the pandemic is over - whichever is the longer".