Out Of The Mouths ...
The trend towards being hectored on one's environmental responsibilities by ever-younger - and frankly annoying - hyperventilating child activists looks set to continue with news that a 3-month-old baby is demanding decisive climate change action from its mother Mrs Doreen Reckless. Baby Jaydon is, it seems, consistently refusing to poop in disposable nappies ["I've tried everything from Pampers soft comfort seamless to Waitaminute double gusset leakproof superdrys but he just refuses to follow through - not even a turtle's-head"]. However, as soon as Doreen wraps the infant in environmentally-friendly terry-towelling nappies, "he lets go immediately". "It's like watching the Dambusters ... He's definitely telling me to save the planet" says Doreen, "either that or he has a secret contract with Napisan"]
Environmental and anti-honours campaign group Distinction Revolution believe Baby Jaydon to be the youngest environmentalist currently active on the planet. He is fifteen and three-quarter years younger than world-famous Gretha Looneytunes the "Swedish David Bellamy" and supporters claim, even more irritating*. "Feeding only on natural breast-milk and pooing only into a washable cloth is the perfect example of recycling. It's digestive bio-poetry in [a] motion", says nutrition expert Vita Minbee. "If only adults could follow his example and adopt his methods", she adds, "we would soon halt climate change and civilization as we know it in their tracks. As Jesus taught us - 'Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings' ... only, in this case, it's the other end doing the talking."
*German sources claim that at two month's old, Mainz resident Hans Öffmepanet [who has drawn a full-sized schematic for pollution-free energy generation on his playroom wall] is younger still, though climate science experts have yet to succeed in fully decyphering his thoughts. "He may just be scribbling", one said.
However, climate change denier and pro-packaging enthusiast Phil Evrybin believes that young Jaydon Reckless is being exploited by those with their own agendas. "The idea that a 3 month-year-old child can understand what climate change is let alone express an opinion is simply ludicrous. Next, these fascists will be telling us that a scientific study of the lad's turds demonstrates that we shouldn't smoke in public places or eat a dozen burgers a day and stop putting condoms down the toilet. Just because a kid farts every time Top Gear is on the television doesn't mean he's campaigning for electric cars".