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Papers United in Disagreement

As the opinion polls move into line and each party becomes more stubbornly tied than ever to the same polling numbers [Remain in Office Party 22, Official Opposition Party 11, Non-Lib-Non-Dems 1, Others 45] the DHRA Election outcome remains, according to most newspapers hard to call. Partly because of the possibility of tactical voting [aka car-sharing], partly because some key constituencies are too close to call [when there's only one voter who can't make up his/her/its mind it isn't easy to call] and partly because party allegiances run deep, Dorset's three leading dailies are far from clear just who will emerge as PM and who will remain Assistant Cloakroom Attendant and Deputy Fire-bucket Monitor [Black Sod] once the polls close on December 12th.

Today's Church Knowle Metro predicts a clear win for Mrs Endersley-Kindersley as well as uncovering a number of unsavoury incidents from rival Mr Jermyn Street's shadowy past.

As psephologist Mori Poll explains, survey methodologies may vary but the willingness of the various factions to "wake up and smell the coffee" does not. "Each", he says, "is taking from the predictions, only those messages they want to hear". Mrs Endersley-Kindersley and her supporters, for example, are pinning their hopes on her consistent poll-lead, despite the fact that at the same point in the campaign two years ago, a 65 point lead ended up as a 0.0002 point lead come election day. She remained in office only because Mrs Street [the Official Opposition leader's wife] forgot to vote after a mix up with a perm at Coiffeurs 'R Us in Burton Bradstock. Analysts believe that those four extra minutes under the dryer and consequent failure to vote in time cost her husband the top job.

Today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun predicts a clear win for Mr Jermyn Street.

Mr Street, on the other hand, is deriving some comfort from the fact that three new members under the age of 74 have registered to vote and hopes that this will significantly shift the outcome of the whole election. He and his team believe that late registrations of this sort will outweigh the negative impact of both a poor telephone interview with Radio Dorset's Neil Andrew [in which Mr Street failed to name a single 2019 accession and could not say whether his party would support post-Drexit cross border inter-library loans] and claims of endemic anti-semanticism [both logical and lexical] amongst the party's hierarchy. [eg "There is no room for meaning in our discussions" John Burgher-Khing, Shadow Keeper of the Paper Clips].

A re-launch the Official Opposition Party's campaign, based on a newly invented policy of allowing members to choose the books they borrow rather than studying those sanctioned by Mr Street, is said to be in the offing even though, Argumentum-leaning aides say, "allowing members to read what they want strikes at the very heart of everything Mr Street believes in".

Today's Mappowder Mirror predicts a clear win for Ms Jo Swindon-Town-Footballklubbe. Experts are not clear whether this is really the Mappowder Mirror or yet more "Lib-Dem Election crap" masquerading as the paper in question.

Meanwhile Non-Lib-Non-Dem leader Ms Swindon-Town-FootballKlubbe whose stature has fallen throughout the election ["the more people see her the more people think she's a t**t"] is hoping that a complete change of personality, some publicly acceptable policies and a severe bout of lunacy amongst the electorate might swing the result in her favour - an outcome described by polling guru John Curtiss-Mayfield as "improbable to the power of 5 million".

The Non-Lib-Non-Dems have also faced mounting criticism over their decision [a] to put "unsolicited marketing crap through every letterbox in Dorset on a daily basis regardless of whether residents are eligible to vote or not" and [b] attempts by the party's PR machine [Ron Eo] to disguise election leaflets as local newspapers.

So, with everything to play for and not very much at stake [EDITOR'S CORRECTION: "the future of life as we know it at stake"] prepare for yet more skulduggery, deceit and evasion. As a wise man once said, "It's not over until the stout lady with the untidy hair wins".

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