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Protecting The Work Of The RDC

In a joint initiative designed to improve both the performance and the public image of the RDC, the Constabulary has joined forces with once powerful market player Green Shield Stamps to launch its "Stay at Home: Protect the RDC" Campaign.

Officers from the RDC attend an incident in Mappowder. A dog walker had stopped to pick up a turd breaking several laws and needlessly endangering public safety.

Stretched to the limit by their new-found mandate legally to harass the general public whenever the impulse strikes, marauding RDC officers have been voluntarily over-working themselves in a concerted effort to wring the maximum enjoyment out of their novel powers. Only yesterday they arrested a 72 year-old man after deploying a full-scale SWAT team to observe his momentary stasis and consumption of a luncheon meat sandwich [sandwich contents currently subject to review] before pouncing on his person before he could escape. So far the lock-down has given cover to the RDC to stop and search nearly 25% of all Dorset residents and to issue either fines or severe warnings to more than 15% of those interviewed.

Speaking on behalf of her temporarily absent superior Sir Rising Crimewave, new Deputy Chief Constable, Yurunda Howes-A'Rest said her colleagues had been exemplary in the performance of their public duties taking pride, enjoyment and "the piss" in equal measure. "My officers are exhausted but in good spirits; even finding the energy after a long day of arbitrary arrests to gather secretly in a local bar to exchange stories about "best practice" and how better to exploit the situation to their and the force's advantage".

The new initiative designed to reinforce the message that the public should stay at home for as long as it suits the authorities to keep them there comes with additional threats as well as the aim of reducing the opportunity for crime, thereby affording officers time to concentrate on "doing what they like best"*. As an incentive to keep going in difficult times, officers will be awarded Green Shield Stamps for every gratuitous/uncalled-for action they undertake on a sliding scale from annoying the public unnecessarily [10 stamps] to detaining a member of the public for no good reason [100 stamps]. The coming months will also see the institution of a profit-sharing scheme for all fines gathered under the new legislation. Ms Yurunda Howes-A'Rest said she believed it was in the long-term public interest for the ordinary citizen to support the incentivised scheme and to make it work - especially now that the Constabulary was committed to it and pretty confident they knew where each and every individual was at all times of the day and night.

* currently understood to be "exceeding their authority, exacting retribution and imposing arbitrary rules".

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