Seasonal Notes by Noel Noel
A widely circulated draft of Mrs Threadbone's personal 2023 Christmas card is said to have caused "widespread consternation" amongst junior members of staff working at the Great Heaving business complex. Described by one insider, who wished to remain anonymous, as "quite simply wrong on so many levels", the card is believed to have offended many and surprised "one or two". Marketing Trainee Daly Skivvey of 22 The Riverside, Hengistbury Head, went on to say that she and her friends were "astonished and offended" by the card which depicts a man of minority ethnic origin presenting a dead pig, presumably, to his lords and masters.
Another employee who did not wish to be named* said that, once it was 100% clear that Mrs Threadbone had left the building, there were mummerings of discontent amongst several of those on whom the card had been "road tested".
* believed to be Ms Skivvey's Uncle Tom [The Cabin, Gussage St Andrews]
Speaking on the Corporation's behalf, Joshua Threadbone, Senior Partner of Threadbone, Threadbone and Threadbone [Solicitors] said that the Board were aware that not everyone was onside with regard to the official Mrs Amanda J Threadbone 2023 Christmas Greeting but defended the CEO, CIO, President and Chair's choice as both artistically valid and open to perfectly innocent interpretation. "To begin with", he said, "it foregrounds, in a positive way, a man of colour, the likes of whom rarely appear on Christmas messages and have never done so before in the entire history of Great Heaving originated Christmas messages". "In this respect", he continued, "it shows our ongoing commitment to inclusivity, diversity and opportunities for all to serve in the great cause of Dorset business enterprise, without regard to race, creed, class, gender identity, educvational attainment or celebrity-cause choice". "Equally", he went on, "it demonstrates that we take the welfare of turkeys seriously and do not condone their exclusive slaughter as we celebrate the occasion of our Saviour's birth. It would be so easy - but unquestionably discriminatory and animal racist - to focus on poultry alone. We believe that the card champions our concern for all animals and our belief that they should be buchered and consumed proportionally. In short the card gets it absolutley right on several levels".
BREAKING NEWS
In a counterstatement, following her resignation over the issue, Home Baking Division junior accountant Suella Hathnofurylikeawomanscorned said: "The CEO is a liar, a cheat and a bad person. I have done everything I could, short of actual action, to hold her to account, but she shouldn't be CEO anymore, I should, because I am right and everyone supports me not her. I have never spoken out of turn, in fact I have never done a hand's turn."
RDC Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave, to whom the former Home Baking Division junior accountant has been reported, confirmed that the force was "interested in the whereabouts of the young lady in question" and would be making "further, urgent inquiries".