Mannington City's superstar 8' 9" striker - Earling Wanmornin* - has become the official face of dtv's premier subscription sports package which launches this month via the Company's Threadbone Narrowband Analogue Dial-up Satellite platform. Competition for the coveted "gig" has been intense with several agents reporting that significant sums of money have changed hands in their increasingly hostile attempts to persuade studio executives to pick "their man".
* Our Football Correspondent - Gaye Movtu-Harfs adds: his name has given rise to a notable - if somehat politically incorrect - addition to the catalogue of memorable football chants: "Earling Wanmornin, just as the sap was rising, I heard a maiden moaning from the duvet below. Oh I can't believe it, Oh I daren't receive it, How could you use such a cultured left foot so".
Following the announcement, Earling Wanmornin and his management team have remained tight-lipped about the deal, but the CEO of dtv's sports division and former winner of The Amanda J Threadbone Women's Football Supporter of the Year Award - Mrs Amanda J Threadbone - has said that she and her Board are delighted with the outcome of what has been "a ferocious - but highly lucrative - bidding war".
The image rights-based fees that Earling Wanmornin will receive have not been disclosed, but subscribers will rightly wonder what proportion of their £389 per month outlay for the 5 channel service will find its way into the superstar 8' 9" striker's proportionately deep pockets. Fans of the superstar 8' 9" striker were unrepentant, however, pointing out that top footballer's careers - particularly those of superstar 8' 9" strikers - are comparatively short and that Wanmornin's guaranteed £300 million per annum salary plus bonuses from his club "might have to last him some time". "Any prudent sportsperson would want to supplement their on-field earnings in any way they can, given they probably won't manage to amass the 35 years of NI contributions necessary to qualify for the full state pension [currently £73.32 per year [2023 values]]".
No one from Mannington City was available for comment since all administrative, PR and legal staff were fully focussed on preparing the paperwork for the Club's upcoming defence/rebuttal of more than 38,300 trumped-up FA/EUFA/FIFA compliance charges.