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Vater, Vater Everywhere, But N'Ere A Card In Sight


In a weekend which saw the wheels come off the lead ThreadboneOil Thrupiece AJT49 Formula One car in France*, things did not go entirely to plan at professorthrupiece.com either. On Sunday, the celebrated and occasionally award-winning info-digi-portal [Commendation for Least Frequently Visited Major Info-Digi-Portal, 2015 Threadbone Press Awards] witnessed yet another "failure to post".


* metaphorically not literally. At the end of the race [or as the French call it "Grand Prix"], all four wheels were still attached and pointing in more or less the same direction. Today's guest writer - independent blogger Noah Fix d'Opinyon - is speaking figuratively in that a strategic error by the team gifted the race to fierce rivals Red Gerbil [Ed].


Architects model of the still to be erected Mr Threadbone Memorial Pole. The labyrinthine ways of local government, planning issues and red tape have repeatedly frustrated Mrs Threadbone's best efforts and all her attempts to get it up - a situation described by many as "Art Imitating Life".

Sunday's lapse - one in an unfortunate series of haituses* of a depressingly similar kind - was, however, more surprising than most, given the significance of the day. Father's Day [variously Jour de Papa, Vatertag, Festa del papà, Dia del padre, Isänpäivä in the better-known parts of Europe] is, ordinarily, a much-honoured festival amongst the great and the good of Great Heaving with ceremonies typically centring around a two-hour vigil at the site of the 18-foot pole long-planned for erection by Mrs Amanda J Threadbone in tribute to the late Mr Threadbone. Though the couple were childless and Mr Threadbone was not technically anyone's father, he was, say those close to the family "Father to hundreds of boy scouts in whose physical maturation and relationship development he took a keen and almost unnaturally forensic interest". Father's Day and the Great Heaving rituals surround it have become one of the mainstays of the Corporation's social calendar.


*Is that Haiti [1st declention] or Haitus [4th declention]. Bonipedia gives "The plural form of hiatus is hiatus or hiatuses" which is, of course, non-definitive [Ed].


So what accounts for the lapse? Those close to the centre of power in Great Heaving have remained characteristically tight-lipped though rumours leaking out from the giant multi-national conglomerate's PR Department suggest it was not a technical glitch - rather human error for which someone is likely to pay.


In a hastily cobbled together post - needlessly padded out with references to Sunday's French Grand Prix [a classic example of a technique known in the industry as "trying to bury bad news"] - the organisation has posted a Father's Day Card though whether the same as the one intended for release yesterday it is hard to say. A day late and a dollar short, the card celebrates the tight bond between vater and sohn evident during the darkest days of the Second World War when families like the Fadenknockens brought up their offspring to adore their parents whilst encouraging them to compete fiercely with them [and "dobbing them in to the local Gestapo when the appropriate occasion arose]. Inevitably, then, today's card carries the heavy scent of nostalgia and reverence for a time when a knock on the door and a look of gleeful anticipation in a child's eyes did not necessarily mean that a heavily loaded Ocado van was waiting outside. Glückliche Tage!



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