THE THREADBONE CORPORATION

Threadbone Leisure

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Threadbone Leisure
 

Threadbone Leisure, is the hotels, spa, nightclub, casino, golf resort and ten-pin bowling arm of the Threadbone Corporation.  It works closely with other elements of the Corporation to bring relaxation to the wealthy.  Its security protected and (where appropriate) ostentatiously gated communities keep riff-raff away and allow the self-indulgent time to sit back and enjoy the superiority over others that only money can buy.  A policy of no discounts and triple prices during school holidays ensures that irksome families are kept to a minimum.  The requirement of photo ID before booking acceptance further ensures that the corridors and public areas are guaranteed to be ugly/fat free zones.

Threadbone Leisure's portfolio includes Crown Magna Hotel and Spa which manages numerous Pirelli/Thrupiece-starred (*****) hotels both within and without the Greater Dorset Region (including the Maldives, Dutch Antilles and Great Heaving), The Viking Threadbone Cruiseline,  Stringbonefellows, a chain of nightclubs in the East Creech area, Crown Magna Golf and Dorset Casino, the Rampisham-based online and walk-in gambling facility.

A FTS 1000 company, Threadbone Leisure is a synergetic, multipurpose, goal-oriented customer-centred enterprise and, going-forward, a proud member of the The Threadbone Corporation.

Threadbone Leisure offers the discerning traveller a world of luxurious options especially designed to make contact with the general public a thing of the past.
Crown Magna Hotel and Spa

Famed for their five star luxury and thrupiecediet™ inspired fine dining, Crown Magna Hotel and Spa offers everything to the discerning traveller; be it a 2 day "have-it-away" mini break or a luxurious four week "leave-it-all-behind" long-stay for those able to have it off.  In either - or any - case our patent and proven eat-sleep-repeat programme designed by fitness the threadboneway exercise guru Audrey Badminton-Court will leave you feeling refreshed, renewed,  restored and several pounds (sterling) lighter.

The perfectly appointed facilities of every resort include state of the art gyms, saunas, sports facilities and stunning en suite entertainment via the revolutionary ©thrupieceinteractive+ system.

Room services include: the "full in-room dining (open sandwich) experience", 12 inch mini-bar, clean sheets, hot and cold water, hand towels (please use responsibly) and 24 hour incognito paternity testing.  Lockable doors are an optional extra.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: Just one of Crown Magna Hotel and Spa's visibly excited
guests.  Arriving with someone else's family of four, Nikita left with a new friend, £5,000 and clear conscience
Viking Threadbone Cruiseship "Dorset Princess" off the coast of Great Heaving.  One of Viking Threadbone Cruiseline's brand new fleet, the Dorset Princess can go for more than 3 hours without refuelling
The Viking Threadbone Cruiseline

The majestic and ultra-modern fleet of Viking Threadbone Cruise Liners brings Threadbone Leisure's famed five star luxury accommodation as well as thrupiecediet (TM) inspired fine dining to the ocean waves!

With cruises to suit all but the small to medium purse, life aboard the Dorset Princess, The Duchess of Dorset and The Spirit of Thrupiece is just what the Captain ordered. Guests can choose one, two or three month options and get away from it all on our award winning Southampton, Antwerp and Isle of Wight cruises. With educational, recreational or adventure themed excursions, Viking Threadbone Cruiseline covers all the bases and is its own port in any storm!

The entertainment programme on our 2016/2017 cruises has been especially devised by stringbonefellows consultant, "TV Cruise Singing Sensation" and Loose Women star Jane McDonald-McKnightly. (Please note entertainment is optional but opting out attracts a surcharge of £25 per person per show).

Algiers, Madeira and Alexandria - Just three of the places not visited by any Viking Threadbone Cruiseline ship.
stringbonefellows

The brainchild of Jason Stourpaine and Jennifer-Aniston Threadbone, stringbonefellows has rapidly become a biword for fun, frivolity and high quality adult entertainment throughout the West Country.  Backed by the unmatched resources of the Threadbone Corporation, our patent ©nitespot technology guarantees an evening of high-octane excitement and joie de vivre for all the family (women and children prohibited).

Sourcing poles from the renowned Poles'R'Us of Frome Vauchurch stringbonefellows guarantees a night of frictionless pleasure for both host and guest alike, whilst our lap-top dancers bring a world of hard-drive excitement unimaginable to those familiar only with the conventional desk-top manoeuvres of more conservative operating systems.

With outlets in Allington, Bothenhampton, Burton Bradstock, Charmouth, Eype, Frampton, Litton Cheney, Lychett MatraversMarnhull, Milton Abbas, Osmington, Poundbury, Seatown, Symondsbury, Verwood and West Bay, stringbonefellows is the place to get your "thing on" and your "rocks off".

 

Following a multi million pound refit by Swedish design consultants bonasvenska·concept·design (AB) and the introduction of sumptuous leather sofas, energy-efficient halogen ambient lighting and patent wrap-around sound systems™ supplied by thrupiecefilm's renowned Girton Non-industrial Light and Magic, stingbonefellows is the place to go for that (very) private party or whacky corporate new-age alternative interactive stag night / office party / the-wife's-away-and-she's-just-my-secretary weekend.

Larger branches offer

  • Striptease

  • American Table Dancing

  • Pole Dancing

  • Lap Dancing

  • Hostess/Waitress Service

  • VIP Guest Arrangements

  • VIP Rooms

  • Executive Suites

  • Corporate Packages

 

Small branches offer

  • Drinks (limitations apply)

Booking essential, membership required, terms and conditions apply.

Opening Soon: stringbonefellows lite - the full stringbonefellows' service but with thinner poles.

Offering state if the art sound and lighting systems, beautiful "overseas" hostesses and a range of four cocktails, stringbonefellows is the natural choice for the adventurous and well-heeled.
Charmouth club manager Drusilla Parker-Knowles has quickly adjusted to life after moving from her native Belarus.
DORSET CASINO

Dorset Casino is the High Street and on-line gambling arm and money laundering service of the Threadbone Leisure Group.  With financial backing from former Gasprom Executive and  Kremlin insider Александр

Афанасий, once described as "the world's leading exponent of the one-way trouser pocket", Dorset Casino has quickly established itself as a preferred supplier of financial services to those with a habit they can't kick and a lifestyle they can't support.

Conceived especially for those living at home with no friends, no job and no visible means of support, Dorset Casino encourages the feckless to use any relative's assets (houses and cars accepted as non-refundable deposit) as a passport to join millions of others who also can't wait to lose it all in as quick and pleasure-free a way as possible.  Dorset Casino's "You spin we win" guarantee is just a click away!

Still want to know more? Then ....

dorsetcasinoonline offers the sad, bored, lonely and directionless false-hope in the form of

  • Full Casino and Card Table

  • Virtual Poledances™

  • Interactive games

  • In-play betting on football, table tennis, quoits and indoor bowls (darts in the summer only)

  • Best odds on (pre-fixed) national hunt and flat racing

  • Fixed (odds) on (fixed) cricket

  • VIP Chat Rooms (with in app purchases)

  • Standalone Currency exchange via our Random Odds Generator (ROGer™) typical 4,600% eapr

  • Executive Pickpocketing™

  • Exclusive: Don't bother to play we'll just take your money packages for the particulalry indolent and shiftless

 

dorsetcasino on the High Street offers

  • Betting slips

Participants must be over 8, have a relative or friend with a high limit Credit/Debit Card (to which they have secret access) and a will to lose. No free bets, no refunds, no returns, no chance.  Terms and conditions apply.  

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