"We don't take Yes for an answer"
ANNUAL FUND [BIGGER SAFE]
not endorsed by
a great place to offload your money
PROFESSOR THRUPIECE's Cambridge college at which he arrived as an 18-year-old in 1958 needs money (for its own sake) and deserves your support. If you admire Professor Thrupiece you will love helping his old college. He would want all alumni to give the College as much of their money as possible.
THE COLLEGE is a great place in which to deposit all you can spare - and more - either whilst you are still alive or when you are dead (don't leave it too long - we haven't got all century!) Whether writing a very large cheque or just giving 9/10th of your income on a regular basis, you can rest easily at night safe in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. And ...
Giving to the College couldn't be easier - everyone is guaranteed to be accepted as a donor and there are no medical tests or bothersome ethical checks. We'll even give you a free DIGNITAS INFORMATION PACK and advise you on ways of living more frugally so that you can afford to give more.
So why wait? Write that cheque NOW or better still make use of our state-of-the-art DIGITAL FINANCIAL EXTRACTION PORTAL - it sucks up money faster than a Dyson! And remember one of our dedicated team of 20 fundraisers is just waiting to help relieve you of your hard- (or soft-) won cash. Estates free of liabilities accepted. Minimum donation £500
the college is currently committed to raising money for a much needed multi-storey, multi-faith information resource, disco aquarium and casino cinema complex.
to find out how you can make our fantasy a reality contact the fellow for rape and pillage Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm at: bloodfromastone_Strongarm@mcc.cam.ac.uk
"IT IS GIVEN TO SOME TO GIVE AND SOME TO RECEIVE, WE LIKE TO THINK OF OURSELVES AS THE LATTER"
Hawthorn Stragglybeard" Master
"THE THRUPIECE CIRCLE"
is a club of like-minded individuals who have come together to "do the right thing". It is open to all those who have pledged a legacy of at least 7 figures to the College and is an excellent way in which to network with other super-rich donors like yourself. By giving at least £1 million and joining the circle you can help others whilst also helping yourself. Operating according to the protocols of the GREEDY GENE FORMULA [GGF], membership of the Circle confers prestige, self-satisfaction and philanthropic hauteur on its members who are invited to a special lunch in the College every Michaelmas Term. Here they will learn more about how their donation will benefit the College and find the encouragement necessary to give additionally in their estate planning. Specialist will, tax-avoidance and euthanasia lawyers are on hand throughout the day to answer questions, help fill in forms and ensure that your promises are legal, watertight and binding. For more details contact: the fellow for rape and pillage Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm at: Bloodfromastone_Strongarm@mcc.cam.ac.uk
"I urge you to join for our sake"
Hawthorn Stragglybeard" Master
THE MANY WAYS OF GIVING:
LEGACY: Leave a large tax-free sum on your death. Don't listen to your relatives: they don't need it. We do.
VERY SUBSTANTIAL CAPITAL GIFT: Forget the worries of capital ownership, interest rates, stock crashes and bank failures. Give us your money and let us do the worrying for you.
LESS SATISFACTORY CAPITAL GIFT: Though the College prefers very substantial gifts, it is willing to accept smaller sums. NB smaller amounts will be amalgamated into other managed funds and will not attract Donor Benefits or acknowledgment letters. Your name will be entered into the (un)published list of donors and prayers for you will not be offered in chapel at the commemoration of benefactors.
LARGE REGULAR GIFT: The College suggests you pledge 9/10th of your income on a monthly basis via uncancelable Direct Debit. Clearly the more you earn the more we get so please ensure that you are well remunerated before entering into any agreement [see above for those only able to give smaller sums]
indicative gift: The college fully appreciates that some of its more recent graduates do not yet have the wherewithal to help the College in the manner to which they will wish to become accustomed. For those under the age of 28 and yet to receive a substantial unearned annual bonus, the Fellow for Rape and Pillage has devised a special scheme through which measured income can be surrendered on a more gentle taper. for more details contact: he fellow for rape and pillage Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm at: Bloodfromastone_Strongarm@mcc.cam.ac.uk
Thinking of going out and about this vacation? Forget it! We want you sitting by your phone and ready to receive a friendly call from one of our dedicated and highly trained student agents who have been specially programmed to make giving as easy as saying "YES!" when asked!
The law now requires us to give fair warning of our intention to call - so consider yourself fairly warned. And here's another fair warning - for free! - fail to make a donation when we call and we'll just keep calling again and again and again until you're ready to make the commitment that you know in your heart of hearts you want to make. And remember that multi-storey, multi-faith information resource, disco aquarium and casino cinema complex. isn't going to up and pay for itself. Do your bit and pick up your credit card as soon as you hear "Good evening ... Cambridge calling!"
LEGALLY REQUIRED OPT OUT HERE [if this link is not functioning please contact the fellow for rape and pillage Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm at: bloodfromastone_Strongarm@mcc.cam.ac.uk
who is ready to take your payment NOW.
For more details contact: the fellow for rape and pillage Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm at: Bloodfromastone_Strongarm@mcc.cam.ac.uk
feeding frenzy: the Campaign for money
THE COLLEGE has been fundraising since the 15th century and continues to do so today in ever more sophisticated ways. Using new state-of-the-art Financial Hoovering Technology™ the College is now capable of seeking out alumni wherever they live and extracting capital through a variety of psychological, physical and electronic means.
So why not give now and avoid all the hassle?
Cick on any of the links below to give all you can and more.