"GIVE AND WE WILL
MASTER: Dr Hawthorn Stragglybeard MA, PhD [Cantab]
SENIOR TUTOR: Miss Anthrop
ADMISSIONS TUTOR: Dr Stu Dent-Prophylynge
COLLEGE MISSION STATEMENT &
MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING ON ACADEMIC POLICY
The College follows the UCAS- and CNAA-recognised University of Afpuddle Rules and so accepts applications from all intending undergraduate and graduate students regardless of background, circumstances, gender, race, religion or intelligence. The only criterion for discrimination is a candidate's predicted ability to make a substantial donation to the College Campaign sooner rather than later in life.
Academic achievement matters to the College's Governing Body and is its 8th highest priority after: [i] Obtaining Research Funding [ii] Opposing Drexit [iii] Achieving Tenure [iv] Defending Fellow's Rights and Privileges [v] Campaigning for Faster Trains to London & Brussels [vi] Improving the Quality of Food and Wine on High Table [vii] Campaigning for Private Medical Insurance and Affordable Holiday Cottages.
In pursuit of its eighth priority, the College has the most robust sector-standard procedures in place to ensure that, regardless of competence or industry, all students will leave with a First Class Honours Degree in a subject of their own choosing and pledges that it will do everything within its power to ensure that graduates are launched in to high profile careers likely to provide them with the wherewithal to "pay back" their debts to the institution which launched them and to which they owe everything.
Featuring the first fully-integrated cradle to grave combined education/planned-giving life-coaching regime, the College aims to lead all its students on a life-long path to College-directed philanthropy. The College is a long-standing champion of Equal Opportunities and accepts donations regardless of race, creed, colour or previous College-association.
INSTITUTIONAL MEA CULPA
Being the College of the late Professor Sir Brian Thrupiece (sic) and understanding the spotlight which consequently falls upon it, it is accepted that former Fellows for Rape and Pillage have not always acted in as ruthlessly efficient a way as might have been expected. It is equally accepted that the failure of the previous Fellow for Rape and Pillage to properly establish the "Professor Brian Thrupiece Prize" having banked the endowment provided for it was, "an egregious mistake fully deserving of the punitive measures taken in response". But that was in another county and besides the bastard's gone”.
Wan Tricke-Pony DEPUTY ACADEMIC REGISTRAR
THE COLLEGE IS AFFILIATED TO THE WELCOME [TO LIFELONG GIVING] TRUST
"A COLLEGE IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR MICHAELMAS"
from the poem "ENDLESS CONTRACT" by overseas alumnus Uri N'Itfer Thelonghawl
The College is"In the Market" for Students who want to prosper and then "share the love"
The College lies in the Heart of Cambridge but does not yet own the whole of Cambridge "as far as the eye can see"
feeding frenzy: the Campaign for money