In an historic cross-platform industry tie up, four of the West Country's top ten companies will join forces to help those who, desperate to lose all those accumulated Christmas pounds, find themselves allergic to gym subscriptions. Leading RSCBE dietician and culinary bio-ethics professor Podraig O'Bese recently reported that 1 in 4.825 men and 1 in 4.824 women want to lose weight but cannot bring themselves to enrol at any of Threadbone Leisure's Hotel, Spa and Gym facilities. Stated reasons for their reluctance range from: inability to pay (89%), inability to bother (10%) and physical or psychosomatic allergy (<1%).
In a brave effort to reach that hard to find <1%, stringbonefellows night spot, in association with thethrupiecediet, fitnessthethreadboneway and the RSCBE, is leading a targeted campaign designed to combat this growing national epidemic. Summarising key research findings, stringbonefellow's marketing executive, Sellmore Subs, explained that "leading scientists now believe that fantasising over pole dancers, paying over the odds for desktop and laptop dances and waking up next morning still tethered to no-longer-attractive long-term partners produces a unique chemical - anticlimaxin - which, properly managed can lead to a severe loss of appetite and even the will to live". "This could be the holy grail of weight-loss" he further postulated, "by harnessing a natural process and using it to fight the body's own craving for food, we can find bio-ethically sustainable solutions to hitherto intractable weight management problems whilst boosting leisure industry profits.". Podraig O'Bese's research is sponsored jointly by Threadbone Leisure and The Hornimint Company.
Charged with spearheading the recruitment drive, stringbonefellows' spokesperson and former artiste 33 year old Belarus-born Drusilla Parker-Knowles (nee Likhtarovich) (48-28-36), is enthusiastic about the task ahead. "Many men, very fat sweaty come to Club to see girls" she explained, "we needs more fat men to make better money and carry out less from heart attack. In Club they lose money, self-liking and maybe credit card, now we want they should lose belly as well. Instead of paying national health and queue month for doctor, pay money to Club and make girls happy. Maybe you lose fat too, I don't know. "
Those choosing to join stringbonefellows' Better than a Gym™ weight loss programme can benefit from a special January promotion which offers a 1% discount on annual subscriptions. For a 5% surcharge, new members will receive a gift of a specially commissioned Ladybone Jigsaw for use whilst recuperating in hospital or at home.
Belarus-born Drusilla Parker-Knowles (nee Likhtarovich) offers tantalising inducements in a good cause: the fight against obesity