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Six On The Beach


As the nights draw in and the temperatures dip sharply, thoughts naturally turn to the Isle of Portland's Annual Literary Festival. Initially designed to "extend the season" by offering the literary minded an opportunity to meet their favourite authors and savour the culture of books by the sea, the Festival has gone from strength to strength, with more than five authors [six] slated to appear live this year at the beachside event.


Festival organiser Grayna Sand is thrilled with this year's line up which includes crime authors Doug Graves and Polly Anthus, doyen of the thriller genre Locke D Roome, best-selling historical horror queen Susannah Lipbalm and [courtesy of DHRA sponsorship] romance favourites Eleanor Beachwood and [via videolink] Rowena Westlake. Each will offer a perfunctory short talk, a 2 minute rehearsed reading and a Q&A [4 minutes] before getting down to the real business of signing and selling copies of their latest books [2 hours: cash only, please form an orderly queue]*.


* Please note authors can only be expected to sign copies of books purchased at and during the festival. The cheap and unpleasant habit of bringing a well-thumbed ex Charity Shop copy to the festival and expecting the author to sign it - or worse expecting them to inscribe some paper napkin "For Florence with best wishes Rowena" etc - is strongly discouraged and those attempting to perpetuate such behaviours will be asked to leave the safety of the tent**.


** NB Anyone frustrated by this requirement is advised to read best selling author Count Erphitt's [2023] "How to Fake A Signed Book and Other Ideas For Inexpensive Christmas Gifts" [DIY Press]


Festival Organiser Grayna Sand is ready for "anything that the elements throw at us"

Following last year's predictably inclement weather, organisers have this year elected to erect a marquee on the sands to encourage both the public and local booksellers to "hang around for the duration" and to avoid the kind of headlines - "stranded on the strand", "afloat on a criminal wave, "authors find themselves all at sea" etc - which brought last year's event to a very damp and premature close. Though Ms Sand is at pains to play down the adverse impact of 2023's "tidal washout" [it is rumoured that Threadstones lost more than £15,000 worth of pre-signed novels when squalls and high seas overwhelmed their book-cart which was last seen heading for Bournemouth] it is clear that lessons have been learned and precautions taken. IOP District Council Health and Safety Officer Steve Jobsworthy-Pratt confirmed, for example, that 200 specially anchored deckchairs have been hired for the plenary session and that "pots of tea for the sands" providers have been urged to superglue all crockery to trays to ensure minimum spillage in the event of destabilising gusts. He was, however, keen to stress that purchasers of refreshments [hot or cold] will carry them at their own risk and should "without question" consider taking out private health insurance if they intend to buy anything other than light snacks or full fat [non vegan] heavyweight wine gums**.


** That said, studies have shown that a prawn cocktail crisp escaping from its foil bag on a freak air current of less than 25 miles per hour can inflict serious damage to an unprotected eye. SInce undamaged eye-sight would appear to be amongst the minimum requirements for reading, Literary Festival attendees should seriously consider acquiring protective goggles. These can be purchased [with or without snorkel tubes] from several local retailers who report generous stock levels following disappointing summer sales. At a pinch, the importunate should consider acquiring sunglasses which are in similaly abundant supply for broadly similar reasons.



The Isle of Portland Annual Literary Festival opens with an Anchored Drinks Reception [Main Tent, red wristband holders only] at 3pm this Friday [weather permitting] foillowed by a semi-staged reading of Chapter 4 of Quintus Remus's A Corpse in the Caldarium. It ends [deo volente] on Sunday 27th October or [in all likelihood] earlier if local police deem it unsafe. Patrons are asked to note that due to a 99% probability of gale force winds on Saturday afternoon, the Ladybone Children's Literature Warehouse Sale has been cancelled and all soft play equipment returned to storage.


Tickets for the Festival can be purchased from The Town Clerk's Office, Isle of Portland and are non refundable. A limited number of waders, sowesters, tarpaulins, lead weights and bilge-pumps are available on a first come, first served basis. The organisers accept no responsibility for loss of property, loss of life or loss of mind. Attendees are recommended to bring their own zip-lock bags and book protectors.

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