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Tramp Inauguration Attracts Crowd and Criticism In Equal Measure


In a ceremony dating back at least four years, Mrs Donna Tramp was installed as President of the Morcomblake Horticultural Society yesterday, A sizeable crowd - estimated as somewhere between 14 and 18 - gathered outside the Memorial Scout Hut to watch as Mrs Tramp placed her hand on The Thrupiece Glossary of Culinary Bioethical Terms (Standard Revised Version) and swore allegiance to the Society's founding principles - including that of eschewing artificial sweeteners in Dorset Beauty Snapdragon (Antirrhinum Thrupieciensis) plantfeed.

Sporting her signature hairpiece, Mrs Tramp - a controversial figure who campaigned on what has been seen as a narrowly villagist agenda - immediately signed executive orders abolishing The Affordable Pear "Act" her predecessor's showpiece reform designed to ensure that Red Bartletts, Bosc and Starkrimson continue to feature regularly in Morcombelake local agrarian produce shows.

The Morcombelake Tabernacle Choir under conductor Spencer Threadbone gave a lively rendition of "Dorset the Beautiful", whilst - to Mrs Tramp's obviously delighted approval - former Langston Herrings' Got Talent Round 1 winner Keely Broadbottom, gave a barely adequate account of the Morcombelake Swaddling Song.

"For too long this Society has been ruled by dedicated horticulturalists with knowledge and good sense. That stops today", she intoned. She continued - in what was clearly a carefully crafted passage: "Today I give this Society back to those to whom it belongs - the ignorant, the needy and the jealous. From this moment on it's Me first and that means all of us, ie all of you putting me first by which I mean you putting me (Mrs Tramp) first not me as in you when you are speaking of me or rather of yourselves. So basically it's all about me." Several former winners of the Amanda Threadbone Prize for Best in Show shifted uncomfortably in their seats. "You know who you are", Mrs Tramp added ominously, "and so do I". "Watch my lips - no more free lunches."

Later Mrs Tramp rewarded her supporters (Spencer Threadbone and Keey Broadbottom) with a free lunch at The Copper Mermaid Tearooms, Heston. Critics believe that no cafe in Morcomblelake was willing to host the event.


Mrs Donna Tramp visiting the United States earlier this year on a pre-election "fact-finding" mission.


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