Threadbone Leisure's new and hugely impressive Tarrant Keyneston Golf Resort opened today amidst a fanfare of approval and a galaxy of stars from the golfing world. The all inclusive resort (a cabin and a round of golf will set you back a staggering £999 per person per night) is a veritable paradise for those who worship a dimpled ball and have the means to realise their fantasies. The first symbolic tee-off was performed by local legend and 8 times winner of the Dorset Open Championship Woody Swinger together with his partner, Pilsden Women's Golf Club professional, Fanny Driver.
After ceremonially kissing one of Woody's balls, Mrs Amanda J Threadbone, CEO of Threadbone Leisure declared the course open, immediately repairing to the "19th hole" where a sumptuous lunch awaited those with no interest in the game. Whilst agreeing that prices for the resort were "extraordinarily high" Mrs Threadbone defended the fee structure adding "though prices may seem high, so is the bar we have set here and in any case we don't want riff-raff". Mrs Threadbone's frank admission was greeted with some astonishment by Tarrant Keyneston Council's Access, Diversity, Inequality and LGBT Officer Letsjus Parlais. "This is typical of the organisation she said and I want to add ...", she added before being taken away by a large member of the Resort's security staff.
The impressive new resort which opened yesterday is not without its critics. A small group of protesters (estimated at 1.4 million by the Keep Tarrant Keyneston Golf Affordable Alliance but confirmed by the Threadbone Corporation as nearer 18) heckled CEO of Threadbone Leisure Mrs Amanda J Threadbone. Police later confirmed that whilst there had been no serious incident there had been a small disturbance and that a Ms Letsjus Parlais had been taken temporarily into custody, beaten and later released.