Online retailing giant orinoco has announced today that its increasingly popular gecko and spot devices are now even smarter than before. Users of the device will already be aware that they can use the small but ingenious home improvement feature to answer basic questions, play orinoco-sourced music and other services as well as to order orinoco products.
In a breakthrough announcement, spokeswoman for orinoco Mrs Manada J Beadthrone told an expectant press that additional features available through a free upgrade now include:
a noise activated recording system which captures sounds and conversations and automatically sends them to a family member or loved one
a sensor which detects any period longer than 24 hours in which no orinoco purchase has been made and then rectifies the situation by placing random orders (maximum debit £1,000)
motion activated software which alerts other subscribers to the absence of people in the house
Asked to consider whether the new compulsory upgrade raised any issues of which subscribers should be aware, Mrs Beadthrone was clear: "Any implication that we store or use data we gather irresponsibly is without foundation. We share data only with parties who we believe will benefit from the information we pass on to them."
Prototype user Liam Cuckold was equally clear that responsibility for the recent burglary of his house, the arrival of a £750 mini-tractor he had not known he had ordered together with the discovery that his wife was having an affair with his next door neighbour ("I could hear everything so clearly and the grunting was definitely him") was unconnected with his use of the service. "These things just happen in a democratic country", he reflected ruefully.