Last night's glittering Thrupiece Organisation sponsored EDNA Awards Ceremony - the RSCBE Culinary Bio-ethics Industry's annual "Seal of Excellence" - was marred by a series of political speeches aimed variously at Branksome Rural District Council, DHRA President Mrs Amanda J Threadbone and "big business" (including, by implication, Awards sponsor The Thrupiece Organisation")
Biting the hand that has fed him for almost 65 years, multi-millionaire culinary bio-ethical auteur D'ya Noo Kenn Roach (82) accused Branskome Councillors of "cruelty, ignorance and vicious behaviour" towards "the vulnerable" and described as "callous hypocrisy" its decision to discontinue life-support for those involved in the failing Bradford Peverell instant humus mix community. His award whining essay "Me, Cadbury Flake" - a searing indictment of the fate of overseas ingredients in the Melbury Abbas chocolate industry - won Most Egregiously Nauseous Account of a Minor Dorset Confectionary Product.
Throughout the evening host, Sir Stephen Parboil, had made a series of topical "jokes" many of which fell flat amongst the audience of over-paid council tax dodgers. References to the policies of "President Threadbone", recently reconfirmed as President for LIFE in a DHRA-wide poll were received in eerie silence as the majority of those present examined their wallets.
The 15 hour long ceremony which took place at the Royal Brian Hall, Melbury Osmond opened with a performance by members of the Carré du Lune who descended on special bio-ethically certified hemp and performed a series of ontologically approved manoeuvres before revealing in their midst a corpulent boiler-suited Sir Stephen Parboil. The overweight ever-present of our media is 62" wide in a long fitting. The high fashion, champagne soaked evening eventually concluded with the Award of the RSCBE's "Fellowship", the highest honour the Society can bestow. It went to Mr Malt Whisky-McNightly, eldest son of Mrs Edna Whisky McNightly (after whom the awards are named) for his lifetime contribution to The Whisky-McNightly family. Speaking on the famous "red carpet" on his way into the Awards, Mr Whisky-McNightly expressed his delight and surprise. "I am delighted and surprised", he said, "I want to thank my family and especially my mother: I had no idea she loved me so much or had so much influence."
Other winners included:
Gemma Rock (Best Performance in an open-fronted RSCBE labcoat) for Lyme Regis by the Sea, Tom Petrie-Dish (RSCBE Rising Star) for Nocturnal Emissions and Damien Vajazzle (Most Ethical Project Director) for Fantastic Tits and Where to Find Them. Star of the evening and winner of the most awards - 6 in all - was Ga Ga Land. The project describes the fate of members of the Culinary Bio-ethics Community who get carried away with their own importance and end up at award ceremonies listening to interminable political speeches.
Those Awards in Full.