Troubled Security Group Whisky-McNightly Security ("Safe Since 2015") is once again under fire following reported overnight riots and dirty protests at the Guy's Marsh Prison, Dorset.
According to popular local journal The Guy's Marsh Prison Insider Illustrated Weekly, two prisoners sprayed "extensive, offensive, intensive and expensive (to remove)" graffiti across walls, whilst another man reached the roof where he removed his trousers and shouted obscenities whilst "gesturing with his expressive member".
Unable to cope, Whisky-McMightly staff summoned local police officers who arrived in force - sometimes up to two at a time. Police negotiated with the roof top protester who "visibly calmed down to the extent that he was able to reinsert himself into his trousers". They left once the facility had been secured and had consumed the proffered tea and biscuits. Asked if privatising security had compromised the public's safety, Chief Superintendent Letsby Avenue was clear: "Of course it has, but it's the price you pay for better biscuits. The coconut creams were marvellous and alone worth the call out."
A spokesman for Whisky-McNightly Security - ex MI5 field officer Chuck Point-Charly - defended the Company's record. "Whilst every incident of this kind is regrettable, this is only the eighth time this year there has been an issue and we run more than two facilities. In any event there is no evidence to suggest that WMS is responsible here - and no evidence that the protest was directed at us or our methods." Asked if graffiti such as "WMS Shxxe", "Fxxk-off Edna" and Fxxk Whisky-McNightly, Give Us Whisky" did not contradict this view, Mr Slack was unsure: ""It's hard to say, such phrases could mean almost anything and be directed at almost anyone".
The Guy's Marsh facility is now said to have been secured, with no police or security staff casualties through the unidentified roof protester is believed to have suffered muscular strain as a result of over-extended gyrations. "He won't be waving that for a while" said Chief Superintendent Avenue with a smile, "a relief to the more vulnerable inmates I am sure".
Whisky-McNightly Security is just one of a series of private companies charged with protecting important correctional facilities and now under pressure to deliver.
TOP: Grafitti scribbled during the dirty protest; BOTTOM [Left to Right] Guy's Marsh Facility, WMS Transport Vehicle, WMS's second facility at Wormwood Scrubbs
itself not wholly free of incident.