Threadbone Farms spring-calving dairy herd has been hit by the highly-infectious disease IBR (Infectious Bovine Rhinotracheitis) a virus similar to the human herpes virus which causes nasty flu-like symptoms including coughing, fever, nasal discharge and conjunctivitis. Threadbone Farms bio-security expert - Dr Penny Cillin - said that the disease was affecting a minority of the herd but that, with milk yields significantly down, it was unsure whether it would be able to continue to supply the Threadboys Burger chain with its usual quantities of ice-cream and instant milk-shake powder, though she thought the probability of this low since "neither product contains any actual milk". Fears that the disease might spread to the Farm's beef herds, interrupting supplies of premium grade mince to the burger chain, led to a sharp fall in Threadbone Corporation share prices today which are now worth £18.234543 or €2.
"It's utterly ridiculous to assume a small outbreak of watery eyes could affect the profitability of Dorset's premium multi-national conglomerate", bond and equities trading expert Fut-Si Index, said this morning. "Its a Remoaners' conspiracy fed by wishy-washy Liberal Democrats: the kind of people who give elocution lessons to their children whilst holding up everyone else at the boutique-bakery outlet's payment facility. I hope they die a horrible death", he added.
Pan-Dorset Farmers Association Secretary and local herd keeper, Aberdeen-born Angus Longhorn, tried to calm fears "For the farmer the disease can have severe economic consequences. Milk production is likely to drop and the disease may well result in the abortion of calves and infertility. Bankcrupcy normally follows and shortly after rural armageddon. If it spreads to the potatoes that can cause massive famines - particularly in places like Ireland where there are lots of fussy eaters. It can also affect organic salad crops but since Threadbone Farms are resolutely non-organic and don't grow any salad crops that's a bonus. They do have lots of potatoes though so, basically, we are all fxxxed."
One irony will not be lost on readers: Professor Brian Thrupiece, whose fortune was the basis of the burgeoning Threadbone Corporation empire, was a pioneer in Culinary Bio-ethical Security and the author of a doctrine best summed up in his famous dictum: "A caged hen is a safe hen". Organics beware!
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Threadbone Farms: proudly inorganic.