Bob "Tiger" Twelvetrees - regarded by many as the finest Quoits Player of his and any other generation - sealed his place in history yesterday by winning the 2017 Dorset Open Championship for a record 12th time. Already the holder of a world record 26 Quoits Open titles (including 4 Devon and 5 East Sussex Opens and well as 5 Remedy Oak Pro-Am Festival Doubles Trophies) the peerless genius of the flying rings was untouchable as he strolled to any easy victory over newcomer (and Bradpole Invitation Classic winner) Rupert Doughnut-Chucker. Ten inners, three outers and a remarkable double tandem overlap was enough to ensure a straight sets victory over the 22 year old Askerswellian.
Held at the Crown Magna Hotel and Spa's luxurious Church Knowle Grounds under All-West Country Club Owermoigne Rules*, the Dorset Open is generally regarded as the sport's premier competition. Twelvetrees - a match for anyone on grass, clay or rubber-matting - was untouchable as - recovering from recent knuckle surgery - he played "exhibition quoits" in the finest and perhaps most one-sided match of 2017.
Speaking at the closing ceremony, a spokesperson for Dorset County Quoits Association Chair, Mrs Amanda Threadbone (who missed the final for the first time in over three years) expressed the All-Dorset Club's delight at the outcome: "Bob is a worthy champion and a great ambassador for the game: he handles himself and others with great skill and ingenuity and his fingering technique is matchless. I know that I and other members of the Ladies Committee will all return home well satisfied with his efforts."
The Threadbone Cup was presented to Mr Twelvetrees by Princess Regan of Ringstead (former Stringbonefellows' hostess Cuty Darling-Tease) who pleased the crowd in a one-off reprise of her former upright-pole mounting manoeuvre. Prince Regan was not in attendance: he was a guest of the DRDC (Dorset Racing Drivers Cub) at the Dorset Grand Prix at Morcombelake. The Royal couple's equerry denied a rift: "they just like to spend a lot of time apart nurturing their complete incompatibility".
* In this championship variant of the long game, quoits of standard size and weight are used though, as with the long game (proper), the hobs are 18 yards apart with their tops raised. Quoits that land cleanly over the hob score two points, regardless of the opponent's efforts, and are removed immediately, prior to the next throw. Quoits which land on their backs, or inclined in a backwards direction, are also removed immediately. The double tandem overlap is allowed where the player playing first legitimately primps his caballé before domingoing his sutherland. Sherbourne Forfeits apply in the case of a tied strummel. Twelvetrees scored a perfect 6 thanks to a remarkable triple hornet.
CLOCKWISE: Adoring fans on Mrs Threadbone's Mound enjoy the victory ceremony; The Trophies; Bob Twelvetrees is a perennial favourite and now unquestionably the greatest player the sport of quoits has ever seen.