Woman Receives Severest Sentence The Courts Can Impose
A woman who threatened her postman with "having his testicles removed" was sentenced to "not do it again" by Mr Justice Pew-Sil-Animous at Bothenhampton Crown Court today.
The packed Court heard that Ms E (who cannot be named for legal reasons) became incensed when hair straighteners she had ordered from the orinoco store failed to arrive by the promised date and took out her anger on a postal worker delivering a parcel to her next door neighbour. "She said if she had any straighteners, she straighten out my cxxk", a still visibly shaken Royal Dorset Postal Services delivery man Pat Jiffy-Bagge told the packed courthouse, "but since she was still waiting for the sxxxxg things, she would cut off my testicles instead. Talk about shooting the messenger!"
Speaking in mitigation, Ms E's defence council - Mr Lastlineof - said that Ms E had been under great stress as a result of the effects of moisture on her naturally curly hair. The malfunction of her usual hair straighteners earlier in the week had already put her under considerable strain and the non-arrival of their replacement - which she attributed to the inefficiencies of the orinoco store - had tipped her over the edge.
Appearing in Ms E's defence, Ms Carrie-Ann Trimming, Chair of the Small Electrical Appliance Delivery Council, expressed some sympathy for the defendant, noting the pivotal importance of small electrical appliances in many people's lives as well as their tendency to encourage over-dependence in some users. "It is not unusual for habitual users to suffer severe withdrawal symptoms when their favourite appliances malfunction or get lost. Especially where dildos are involved", she said. Whilst conceding that hair straightener rage was less common than that associated with "marital aid appliances", she added that "people can be funny about these things and we're all only human after all."
Summing up Mr Justice Pew-Sil-Animouss criticised the orinoco company whose record in this regard was "far from exemplary" but told the defendant that her actions were "not wholly reasonable" and that, though she was of previously good character, he was "obliged to impose the most extreme sentence allowed by the law". There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when it heard that she would be sentenced to "not do it again".
Reading from a carefully prepared statement on Ms E's behalf, solicitor Joshua Threadbone-McNightly of Messrs Threadbone, Threadbone and Threadbone said "No comment".
The orinoco store has often been criticised for its poor delivery service and customer rage is not uncommon the Court was told. Dorset Post later revealed that a member of their staff is assaulted on averageonce every two days - adding that he was pretty fed up about it.