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Trouble at T'Tower


A woman who still cannot be named for legal reasons but who is believed to have been bound over on at least one occasion and sentenced recently to "not do it again" has, according to Branscombe Police, been involved in a further incident outside the prestigious Threadbone Airways i360 tower in Branscombe.

A spokesperson for the Branscombe Constabulary, Deputy Chief Constable Caroline Greenerthan-Greene (Sustainable Arrest Warrant Division) said that the woman, believed to be in her early 50s had shown signs of "sIgnificant indignation bordering on dismay" on discovering that the outrageously high cost of a "flight" did not entitle her to a seat inside the cabin; largely because there are no seats inside the cabin. "And as though that wasn't provocation enough" the woman told anyone who was prepared to listen, "I also found out I would be involuntarily breathed upon by people drinking expensive champagne whilst being hoisted - willy-nilly - a considerable distance above ground". "Nobody told me it moved", she added, "they should make these things clear".

Sources within the Branscombe Constabulary declined to provide further details but said they were treating the incident as a serious one, particularly in light of the growing number of "air rage" incidents involving the abuse of airways staff - much of it alcohol induced. Whilst there is no suggestion that the woman - who only last month threatened a hapless parcel delivery man in what has come to be known as "hair straightenergate" - was herself under the influence of any substance other than tea, coffee and a breakfast finger or that she had abused Threadbone Airways staff, she was "heard to mutter something under her breath and may or may not have made a sound which might have been a sarcastic or possibly derisory chuckle". "Other than that she was impeccably behaved", trolley bird and stewardess Beverley Necck-Scarfe said.

Local Councillor Major Clamppe-Downe was adamant however: "Criticism of the i360, however mild and whatever its intent, must be nipped in the bud. The company running the show are decent people doing a decent job and if that doesn't entitle them to take liberties and rip off the public on their so-called "flights" and quality merchandise then I don't know what the world is coming to. I fought a war you know". *

The woman is believed to have returned to her home in Great Heaving, Dorset. "I have to dash" she told "Save the Happy Friends Cafe" protesters who had gathered in her support, "I'm expecting a parcel".

*see Ivor Beef, Major Clamppe-Downe and the Branscombe Turf Wars: The Conflict Over Beach Ice Cream Concessions 1958-64, (2010) Threadbone History Classics, The Threadbone Press (currently out of print).


The Threadbone Airways i360 is a major landmark and attraction on the Branscombe seafront.

The Threadbone Airways i360 is a major landmark and attraction on the Branscombe seafront. The highest observation platform outside London, it offers several flights per day and attracts up to 12 visitors per year all of whom are obliged to stand whilst drinking expensive champagne. LEFT: Artists impression of the i360 with simulated crowds; TOP RIGHT: the annulus (or cabin) part way up its lubricated pole; BOTTOM RIGHT: it is taller than a giraffe and has less girth than Wembley Stadium.


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