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College "In Disarray" Over New Style GCSE Gradings

World famous Thrupiece Open College - which pioneered access to low grade Higher Education for the talentless - was today "in disarray" according to a spokesperson, following announcement of the first new style GCSE gradings.

Admissions Tutor Lets Zemmin admitted to anxious would-be students that the College was currently unsure how it would handle the new grading system which now ranks some subjects 1 - 9 rather than the more familiar A* to E. "We have never required qualifications of any sort, since most of our applicants are unable to put one foot in front of the other without considerable processing time, let alone handle a paper and pen, so how we can make our policy fit a new scoring system for a qualification we have never required is proving a logistical and IT nightmare", he added.

NUS chair, Soddem Fukke-Offer, described the situation as "appalling, disgraceful and typically fascist - exactly what you'd expect from an organisation that has no entry qualifications and no student fee. Just because they are offering students something for nothing doesn't give them the right to decide how to react to a qualification they don't require. If we let this go all hell will break loose and student rights will be trampled worldwide." Asked if he might be over-reacting Mr Fukke-Offer pointed to his name badge and left with what reporters described as a a "two finger salute". Mr Fukke-Officer has an unconditional offer for a place to read English at King's College, Cambridge.

Thrupiece Open College Virtual Art Instructor Shelley-Lulette Sizemore issued a statement via her Twitterfeed; "#LOL #Brilliant #Buy my book". Defeated DHRA PM candidate and well-known radical Mr Jermyn Street is on holiday in Biarritz

Confusion at The Thrupiece Open College: TOP LEFT: An open meeting to discuss how to handle the new grading system was scheduled for today in an effort to prepare for "the inevitable chaos" of the new results announced today; TOP RIGHT: Current Thrupiece Open College Students struggle to put a sequence of numbers in numerical order: they may not graduate this year; MIDDLE RIGHT: Prospective Thrupiece Open College students are advised to learn the alphabet before matriculating, though mastering it beyond C remains optional; BOTTOM: Applicants in near-suicidal gloom and dismay as the extent of the confusion in the Thrupiece Open College's Admissions Office becomes clear.

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