It's that time of year again when the TV companies try to boost their Autumn schedules and ready us for our Festive gruel by bringing back tied and tested favourites: midwinter warmers that we just love to hate and which keep us glued to our televisions when we should be down at the pub, shouting at the neighbours or gambling irresponsibly online. Thrupiece Televisual Media Inc has long turned for this purpose to its flagship I'm A Pointless Celebrity Masterchef: Get Me a TV Contract, the show in which a dozen D list celebrities are taken to Centerbone Parcs, Fishpond Bottom and forced to perform unspeakable acts before being systematically humiliated in a public vote. The winner of the trials (which include eating, sleeping, talking, crotcheting, dressing, cooking, sewing, ironing, decorating, DIY, first aid, listening to the radio and house cleaning) is awarded their own TV contract which entitles them to free rental of an 18" Bush Portable Visionmaster ("It's ideal for that spare room") for up to 3 months.
Speculation as to which faded and almost completely forgotten stars will fetch up each year is always rife, with press leaks dominating the newspapers for weeks before the programme airs. So imagine the excitement this year as "news" breaks that one of Dorset's biggest stars of yesteryear and - wow! - one of Chilfrome's current hottest properties will go head to head on the taxing ideal home-making show.
According to today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun - Dorset's best-selling paper - none other than Shelley-Lulette Sizemore will joint hosts Rant and Dick* in their quest to find Dorset's most fearless homemaker. The same sources are reporting - less surprisingly - that Ziggy Osmington - who has gone more than two decades without a Christmas hit - has pulled out of his contract to play Widow Twanky in this year's Theatre Royal Bradpole pantomime and chosen instead to join the show in an attempt to revive his flagging career.
Ms Sizemore - a successful author, model, art-instructor, photographer, life-style guru and former companion/muse to Professor Brian Thrupiece - is, perhaps, a more surprising participant since, as her agent recently stated "She's always busy, in constant demand and she has class. Why would she do that kind of thing?" Why indeed?
Perhaps the answer lies in Ms Sizemore's own statement issued in an attempt to calm to a febrile press. On being told that her agreement to join the show was being met with widespread disbelief she said: "Yes it's come as something of a surprise to me too. Largely because it isn't remotely true". Mr Osmington's agent, Ivor Booking, confirmed his availability if asked.
*Dick's participation in this year's series is yet to be confirmed as he is still in recovery from proprietary fruit-sweet dependency (rumoured to be the ultra-dangerous and recently irresponsibly repackaged Belmonte Midget Gems).
News that Shelley-Lulette Sizemore is to appear on Thrupiece Televisual Media Inc's flagship "I'm A Pointless Celebrity Masterchef: Get Me A TV Contract" caused quite a stir
until it turned out to be completely untrue.