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Compassionate Capitalism Rides To The Rescue


In what has been described as "the biggest act of corporate compassion and company generosity in recent history" the Threadbone Corporation has today lifted the spirits of the entire Fifehead Magdalen community by supplying "several more lights than they had before" for their now infamously denuded Christmas tree.

Local residents were startled to hear the sound of several pantechnicons drawing up on the village green earlier this morning and feared the worst given the recent spate of crimes in the normally tranquil Dorset beauty spot. Imagine then their delight as wave after wave of lights were disgorged from the truck and rapidly put into place on the tree by volunteer staff all of whom had accepted reduced wages in order to undertake the philanthropic "gesture of the season".

Even Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor and longtime Threadbone Corporation critic Ron Sleaze was moved to recognise the magnanimity of the Corporation's gift: "It's about time the capitalist scum who leech from the poor and needy and make obscene profits at the expense of the workers did something decent. They will always be filth and this changes nothing", he conceded. Asked if this meant he no longer wished to see the Corporation nationalised he added, "Of course not. Nationalise them now I say and then see how much profit they make!" "Give it two years and the tax payer will be buying them lights!"

In the meantime, the villagers of Fifehead Magdalen are simply delighted that someone has come to their rescue. "It's a magnificent thing that we've witnessed here today", local grocer and Village Stores owner Morthen Overpriced said, "it restores my faith in humanity and to celebrate we have a special offer on Duchy originals. They are two for the price of three all week".


Residents of Fifehead Magdalen are overwhelmed at the generosity of the Threadbone Corporation which has rescued Christmas for them and restored their faith in the festive Season.

Residents of Fifehead Magdalen are overwhelmed at the generosity of the Threadbone Corporation which has rescued Christmas for them and restored their faith in the festive Season. Dorset Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave said "It's a marvellous gesture and a two-fingered one to the thieves who stole the original lights. I'd like to see the miserable bastards try to steal these!"


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