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Tension Rises As Crisis Escalates

Radical DHRA opposition leader Mr Jermyn Street has today warned against a "dangerous rush to judgement" following an alleged "attack" on former SHRA (Somerset Historical Romance Association) defector Sir Gay Skriptwriter. Sir Gay, who now lives in Lillington, was briefly a member of both the SHRA and DHRA - a position which, according to experts, almost certainly resulted in a "clear conflict of interest" and a breach of the rules of both organisations. "He was probably a marked man from that point onwards and it was only a matter of time before something like this happened", added security expert Chubb Lock. It is further believed that he may have been involved in the transfer of highly sensitive membership information (including names and ages) from the SHRA to the DHRA and may even have helped engineer the defection of Rowena Westlake to the DHRA in 1993.

Ongoing investigations by the DHRA's Chief of Intelligence Services (former University of Witchampton Vice Chancellor - Vince Chanselor) have revealed that Sir Gay and his daughter Melia were confronted by "a shockingly northern looking man" who wagged "an angry and impolite finger" at them before spitting at Melia. (Mr Jaime Caravan, a former professional crib player, has since been suspended by Thrupiece Sports pending an internal inquiry). However Mr Chanselor and his crack team believe others may have been involved and that Mr Caravan and his associates have the full backing of the SHRA.

Defending the Indefensible:

Writing in the Motcombe Guardian, Mr Street, insists that the DHRA's Borrowing Fines and Bio-Security Committee must avoid "hasty judgements" or "rush ahead of the evidence" in a "fevered tea-dance atmosphere". Mr Street denies that he has "close and especially warm personal relationships" with the SHRA leadership or that he once condoned "Threadstones shelf-tampering" by a radical wing of the organisation*. Dorset Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave says they have identified 3 other people who have potentially been exposed to "unacceptable finger-related gestures" and all are under observation at the Milborne St Andrew Secure Psychiatric Unit. The SHRA has denied it was involved.

* In the period between April 2011 and March 2012 no fewer that 4 DHRA-sponsored titles were hidden behind SHRA Member-authored books in 2 separate incidents across one Threadstones outlet. The SHRA never claimed responsibility, though a splinter group of the organisation - the so-called "Quite Cross Brigade" - is widely believed to have been responsible.

Beyond reckless

Representatives from the Historical Romance Associations of Devon, Cornwall, Hampshire and now Wiltshire have backed the DHRA's conclusion that "a representative of the SHRA or someone working on their behalf" carried out the finger-related gesture, after DHRA Chair and PM Mrs Doris Endersley-Kindersley had said the SHRA was "plainly culpable". Mrs Endersley-Kindersley has announced the DHRA will remove 8 SHRA-sponsored titles from the DHRA Library, prompting a response from the SHRA's Yevgeny Smirnov who said the SHRA will "certainly" expel a corresponding number of DHRA-sponsored titles in response.

Meanwhile DHRA leader Jermyn Street has defended his reluctance to blame the SHRA for the unprovoked gesturing, insisting the DHRA must avoid "hasty judgements", thereby imperilling "my own personal funding, holidays in Burnham-on-Sea, and my warm personal relations with Mr Smirnov and his delightful family". Mr Street said that he had agreed to postpone a visit to Somerset planned for Easter but insisted that "once this phoney war of words is over, I will continue to accept SHRA advice, donations and freebies as per usual".

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: The Dorset Police Report with photographic evidence of the potentially toxic substance aimed at Sir Gay Skriptwriter and his daughter Melia, analysts believe it will prove to be a highly advanced biological agent code-named "spittle"; Mr Jermyn Street again took to Twitter to announce his scepticism regarding the SHRA's involvement in the incident; Yevgeny Smirnov - does his shadowy presence hint at darker involvements?; a member of the "Quite Cross Brigade" - the radical wing of the SHRA thought to be responsible for a series of Threadstones shelf-tampering incidents in 2011/12 which Mr Street has yet to condemn categorically.

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