For several years now, Threadbone Laboratory scientists have been developing a super-computer capable of crunching mind-blowingly large numbers and thereby solving riddles which have puzzled mankind for weeks - and sometimes months.
Now in a unique collaboration between the University of Alton Pancras, The Thrupiece Faith Foundation, The Threadbone Institute for Semiotic Decryption and The Royal Dorset College of Animal Husbandry, these highly advanced methods have been applied to one of the oldest riddles in human history: Why was Noah keen on two of everything?
In this month's edition of Unique Dorset Decryption Magazine, riddle-solver extraordinaire Dan Beige reveals the results of hours of work by the team, testing to destruction former theories (including the bizarre but longstanding idea that procreation lies at the root of the matter*) and advancing instead a completely new and - Dan suggests - definitive theory based upon the limited nature of ancient numerology.
*All reputable authorities are clear that despite so-called "original sin" sex was not invented until 1963 so would not have been a frame of reference available to the ancients as this absurd theory implies.
The Threadbone Laboratories' algorithm seems to have established beyond peradventure that the number two had magical associations for our ancient ancestors largely because it was more or less as far as they could get in their limited counting system. [A meaningful breakthrough would have to await Roman times when it was discovered that adding an extra "I" to "II" made "III" or, as we might now more conveniently notate it "3". It was this same discovery which allowed the Romans to invent the orgy as in "Marcus Interruptus was known to be fond of an occasional III-some" Pliny the Younger. The IV-some would have to wait even longer - pending the invention of golf.] Whilst there is some evidence that Noah and his contemporaries might have had a fuzzy sense of the concept "more" (as in "one... two... more") there is no evidence to suggest that they had the means to deploy this abstraction in practical ways. So, when the instruction came from on high to "load the ark", Mr Beige believes that Noah "filled it with the maximum number of everything he was then capable of envisioning ie two".
The Threadbone Laboratories algorithm flashes across the MACCAPACCA PRO 3160 super
computer's screen as it works its way towards the startling conclusion that N=2
Whilst the analytical team's findings are likely to remain controversial, bible scholar and Buckland Ripers Zoo owner, Malachi Vivarium, is completely sold on the idea. "It makes perfect sense", he said, "I mean what else does?"
Further details on this story can be found in this month's Unique Dorset Decryption Magazine HERE