In a move which has taken the international media by surprise, Commissaire de Police Arsène Berglàre, L'Autorités Suisses's debonaire but ageing Commissaire de Police, has sprung to his own defence, challenging the veracity of potentially career-ending allegations that he knowingly and deliberately forged documents relating to the disappearance of Professor Brian Thrupiece from a Swiss Hotel Room in 2004.
The case against him - recently described by Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor Ron Sleaze as "a slam dunk" - was said to be "accroché à la balance" as the debonaire but ageing Commissaire claimed that it was the Professor rather than he who was responsible for any forgery. "Any similarity between the two scripts identified by the Threadbone Laboratories Cryptographic Services Division is the result of manipulations either by the Professor or by one of his close associates designed to undermine my authority and our ongoing attempts to trace the Professor and bring his whereabouts to public attention."
The Sydling St Nicholas Sun is in no doubt about the credibility of debonaire but ageing Commissaire de Police de L'Autorités Suisses Arsene Berglàre's ludicrous claims.
Berglàre's claim - described by a friend of still unavailable L'Autorités Suisses-watcher Sue Wyss-Wotzjcher (née Sue Gutten-Tag-Heuer) as "extraordinaire, scandaleux et hors de l'échelle de la crédibilité" - is likely to be vigorously contested by those in the Thrupiece camp who have already commissioned further forensic cryptographic tests from the world-renowned Threadbone Laboratories Cryptographic Services Division (Great Heaving). Those results say Dr Callie Graphie "make a mockery of the Commissaire's claims" [See below [ed]]
Meanwhile in an extended statement, Commissaire Berglàre alleges: "Le professeur Thrupiece est, à mon avis, vivant et vivant à Genève ou peut-être à Lausanne. Pour des raisons connues de lui-même et peut-être d'un petit groupe de complices, il ne souhaite pas que l'on sache où il se trouve. Pour cette raison, il frustre nos efforts, sape notre crédibilité et tente d'attaquer notre réputation. C'est un scandale et il devrait être abattu à bout portant avec un gros fusil."*
*"Professor Thrupiece is in my opinion alive and well and living in Geneva or possibly Lausanne. For reasons known only to himself and perhaps a small group of accomplices, he does not wish his whereabouts to become known. For this reason he frustrates our efforts, undermines our credibility and tries to impugn our reputations. It's a scandal and he should be shot at point-blank range with a large bore rifle."
Asked if this was not going "un peu trop loin", Commissaire Berglàre's friend and petanque partner Roger Boules de Fer was emollient, "Peut-être. Peut-être que nous devrions juste le traquer et lui couper les couilles".
"Why the Professor should behave in this way and quite why he would want to forge Commissaire Berglàre's signature on an official L'Autorités Suisses Press Release - let alone how he would achieve it - remains the thousand Swiss franc question" Swiss reporter Su Chard-Nestlé told a Thrupiece Television Reporter. "Le tout est complètement fou."
For a full size version of the TLCSD analysis click HERE or on the image BELOW
Further analysis by the TLCSD supports the claim that it was Commissaire Berglàre's and not Professor Thrupiece's hand which wrote both the supposed "Thrupiece letter" and the L'Autorités Suisses Press Release. By putting authenticated samples of both men's signatures into the Service's state-of-the-art Great Heaving supercomputer and generating digital versions of the others' signature, it is possible to say with a 99.99999999% confidence level that it was "Berglàre wot dun it" (phrase © 2018 Sydling St Nicholas Sun)