Huge crowds turned out across the country over the last two days on what proved to be one of the most historic and memorable weekends ever witnessed in the Common Era. Nowhere was this more true than in the beautiful cathedral city of Uerulāmos as our South Hertfordshire correspondence writes ....
From: Our South Hertfordshire Correspondent Tascio Vanus [24 The Avenue, St Albans, Hertfordshire]
Huge crowds turned out across the country over the last two days on what proved to be one of the most historic and memorable weekends ever witnessed in the Common Era. Nowhere was this more true than in the beautiful cathedral city of Uerulāmos. I happened to be visiting "on business" with a particularly attractive lady friend and feel sure that your avid readers will be curious to know what all the excitement was about - in the city that is ... not the bedroom obviously!
Of course, you (and they) could be forgiven for thinking that the massive crowds which gathered in the beautiful cathedral grounds, battling the searing heat of the day, were present either to celebrate the nuptials of former Stringbonefellow's co-owner "Prince" Humphrey Whisky-McNightly and his beautiful bride (former French-Canadian porn star Renault Megan) or to revel in the defeat of Signõr Morris-Mourinho and Manston United in the Threadbone-DFA Cup Final ("Charmouth estacionou o ônibus da equipe na frente de seu gol e, em seguida, conseguiu passar por um deles em seu único ataque do jogo. Simplesmente não era justo - essa é a nossa tática e eles roubaram isso de nós.")*. However, you couldn't be more wrong!
* "Charmouth parked the team bus in front of their goal and then managed to slip one one past us in their only attack of the game. It just wasn't fair - that's our tactic and they stole it from us.")
Not a bit of it! As your more historically-informed readers will know, the Catuvellauni are not so shallow nor historically uninformed as to be making such of a fuss over either of those minor diversions!
The Royal Wedding (TOP) at which former Stringbonefellow's co-owner "Prince" Humphrey Whisky-McNightly (in protective sunscreen) married former French-Canadian porn star Renault Megan (in heavy facemask) coincided with the defeat of Manston United in the Threadbone-DFA Cup Final (BOTTOM). In the background star defender Phil "Chopper" Jonas either turns a deaf ear or jostles with a particularly stubborn lump of earwax.
Rather, the ceremonials to which all and sundry were in thrall were those designed to mark the 65th Anniversary of the visit to the city in May 1953 of the as yet relatively unknown Professor Brian Thrupiece**.
**Perhaps not coincidentally there was a significant royal occasion in that year too - evidence if it were needed of the longstanding nature of the futile but systematic attempts by State-aided Buckingham Palace apparatchiks to drive the nations's favourite Professor off the front pages. [Ed]
The marvellously dignified ceremony which took place outside the Chapel of Our Lady of the Broken Spirit on Sunday comprised a short hymn and prayers after which the Right Reverend Lady Bishop of Uerulāmos Dr Lou N'Assy planted "The Thrupiece Tree" which had been helicoptered onto the site from the Ermintrude Jekyll Threadbone Horticultural Centre in Toller Whelme. It had, we were told, been nurtured by five of Dorset's leading clergy"men" (including the Bishops of Bincombe, Ryme Intrinseca, Turnworth, Upcerne and Winterborne Zelston) and had been "personally fertilized in its early stages" by Monseigneur Monty Don-Carlo (presenter of Dorset TV's popular Gardening with God programme).
The tree symbolises eternal culinary bio-ethical aspiration in all its manifestations and is expected to last until the end of the month - or about three weeks longer than the bishop who planted it. Bishop Lou N'Assy is 38 and currently on "gardening leave" pending further inquiries.
[TOP] The beautiful city of Uerulāmos, once the seat of Cunobelinus and his peoples: the tower of the cathedral can just be glimpsed through the massed crowds gathered for the weekend celebrations.[BOTTOM LEFT] The five bishop's who grew The Thrupiece Tree pose as it begins its journey to Uerulāmos. [BOTTOM RIGHT] The Bishop of Uerulāmos - The Right Reverend Lou N'Assy - presided over its planting before taking extended leave.