Friends and colleagues of Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore closed ranks today as sources close to the media superstar said that she was distancing herself from a film about her early life which is due to open in cinemas next week. Not surprisingly, the fictionalised biopic is the product of independent film makers Scotchegg not thrupiecefilm the company with which Ms Sizemore is most often associated.
Written and directed by Wriggley Scot (Tadpoles, Marshmallow Wars, Blind Beggar) the film stars Jennifer Aniston Threadbone "as you have never seen her before" and is described by its makers as "an uncompromising portrait of a young woman on the brink of fame and adventure". It is believed that the screenplay for the film is largely based on second hand accounts by former friends and relations of Ms Sizemore. Ms SIzemore herself has declined to co-operate with the venture in any way; indeed sources close to Great Heaving say that she has made strenuous efforts to prevent the film's release, though she recognises she is almost powerless to do so.
So what exactly are viewers in for when they take the wholly regrettable decision to waste their hard earned cash on a ticket for Shelley-Lulette SIzemore: Beginnings? "Basically it's a film about her beginnings", says veteran critic Barry Abnormal, "from more or less the time of her adolescence to the point at which she met a certain well-known academic and portrait artist. The story more or less ends with their meeting which suggests either that Scotchegg are well aware of the dangers of taking on the entire Threadbone Coropration / thrupieceorganisation legal leviathon or that they are already preparing a sequel. Time will tell, but with rumours of Threadbone, Threadbone and Threadbone writs flying left right and centre, it would be a brave man who penned the screenplay for that one!"
The film which contains some strong scenes (and not of violence) has a bbfc 18 rating and will be shown in Poxy cinemas throughout Dorset (though not within 50 miles of Great Heaving). An outing arranged for the DHRA by Mr Jermyn Street has been put on hold pending a private viewing to ascertain suitability for 83 year olds and over. "I will be checking her - I mean it - out very thoroughly indeed" Mr Street told friends.
The decision by Dorset Film Monthly to feature the upcoming Shelley-Lulette Sizemore biopic has angered many in her camp with some sources reporting that Actress Jennifer Anniston Threadbone has now been blacklisted by thrupiecefilm executives.