No sooner was the ink dry on Affpuddle University's recently announced one month spreadsheet than Chancellor Lord Waitrose was "in the dock" as student's protested plans to build yet another giant supermarket on its new Elderflower Campus (InnovationCentre/RetailPark). The facility, which will occupy 300,000 square feet of greenspace, will, University sources said, "be an attraction for miles around and a boon to the local economy as well as a source of much needed income to the University chest". Student representative Tanja Mortaar-Bored and friends Trixy and Tricia cogently articulated a different view: "That's just c***p", Tanja, a former Benenden and currently final year student said. "What we want and need are better social facilities, better cafés, better wifi, better niteclubs (sic) and quiet areas where we can sit and Facebook", she added, "and all they offer are retail opportunities at dangerously attractive prices". Friend Trixy agreed. "As a first year reading for a degree in Parallel Studies, I need to relax from time to time: I can't just keep on shopping. Sometimes I want a life and there isn't a Stringbonefellows for miles. When can we have one of them?", the 2017 Thrupiece Campus Instagram Champion inquired.
Tanja, Trixy and Tricia: just three of the four students protesting outside the University of Affpuddle's Senate House. Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor Ron Nasty says the paper is "Keeping abreast of the situation" whilst urging the students to "hold their own" [Well done Tanja!].
University sources refused to comment on the student demands but a spokesperson said: "We deplore the current student action. Taking off your clothes and wearing silly hats achieves nothing and is, in any event, a privilege which, according to Statutes, only senior staff of the University are entitled to enjoy behind closed doors. Any connection between the Chancellor's University responsibilities and his position as Chair and major shareholder of the Waitaminute Supermarket chain is purely in the mind of the biased observer. We maintain a Chinese curtain (available in Aisle 32 in a variety of attractive shades for £32 per pair; poles extra) in all of our dealings. The decision to award the new supermarket concession to Waitaminute's was the Chancellor's and the Chancellor's alone".
Meanwhile back in the real world, Tanja, Trixy and Tricia are determined to carry on. "Anyone who thinks getting your boobs out and sitting around all day with a potboiler is easy has never been to Ibiza", Tricia said, "But we're in it for the long hall. Someone has to take a stance and it looks like it's down to the women. The men around here are useless: they can't stand up for anything. Especially on JCR Twitter night".
Those plans in full. [TOP] The proposed 300,000 square feet facility; [MIDDLE] state-of-the-art checkouts will deduct money from customer accounts before the items have even reached their trollies!; [BOTTOM RIGHT] . Artist's impression of the Threadbone Farms Inorganic Vegetable Section; [BOTTOM LEFT] The University's adjacent online shopping warehouse facility - a mere baby at only 250,000 square feet.