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All Shall Have Prizes #2

In what critics are describing as the worst example of grade inflation since the 11+ was (effectively) replaced by the GCSE (16+) the already under fire University of Affpuddle was today accused of “abandoning all standards in pursuit of its one size fits all approach to examination assessment". An FOI request filed by the Fishpond Bottom Higher Education Supplement has revealed that in the 2018 graduating cohort 46% of students were awarded a 1st (38 distinction) 52% a 2.1 and only 2% a 2.2. There were no 3rds. In the Department of Mathematics the figures were "even more unbelievable" 71% of the students receiving a 1st and 27% a 2.1; a total of 98% which Department spokesperson Al Gorythm describes as a straightforward arithmetical error (“schoolboy stuff really and quite embarrassing - it makes the students look brighter than the staff”). In Geography the results were 85%, 12%, 0% and 0% respectively, with 3 candidates undecided as to which class they wished to choose.

Speaking as the results were released Pro-Vice Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs and On-Campus Betting Services, Professor Grantham Capricorn said the outcome of recent examinations had been a triumph for all concerned and a vindication of it’s policy of non-discrimination. "The outcome of recent examinations had been a triumph for all concerned and a vindication of our policy of non-discrimination", he said. "Now our flagship policy of egalitarian social engineering has been extended to the assessment of students' work, it will be only be a matter of time before 100% of students are awarded a first", he added. "That’s our Education in Action policy and proof if it were needed that there is no correlation between student achievement and teaching quality" (the latter being an area of some concern according to recent DHEFC reports (see previous press coverage HERE)).

Chancellor Lord Waitaminute was quick to reinforce Professor Capricorn's point. "After they have been here for three years most of the students are completely indistinguishable from one another, so it seems entirely right that the examination boards should recognise this and take it into account, rather than impose arbitrary and frankly divisive categorisations. I look forward to the day when all students are equal and we can abandon examinations altogether." (“Which they effectively have” says Dorset -born educationalist Doctor Ing Standards).

Asked if the surprisingly good results might have been designed to reduce the likelihood of student complaints following the withdrawal of teaching in a pensions-related dispute, earlier this year, Professor Capricorn was dismissive. “We were never worried about that. If we thought teaching had any impact on educational outcomes we wouldn’t be here in the first place he said."

Scenes from the University of Affpuddle

Scenes from the University of Affpuddle: [TOP LEFT] Lecturer Alan Clueless denies that teaching staff are devoid of ideas [TOP RIGHT] charges of relativism have been vigorously denied by University authorities [BOTTOM LEFT] Examination Syndicate recruit Ted Naive says there have been no centralised instructions to inflate standards and equalise outcomes [BOTTOM RIGHT] "It used to be so clear cut" ... former lecturer Beatrice Gray-Dunn says she hardly recognises the place "now its no longer black and white"

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