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When The Irresistible Force ...

An asymmetrically-aged couple were said to be traumatised yesterday when their visit to Threadboneville was marred by a serious incident at the bandstand. The couple (Melvyn Scoops 86 and Noodles Goodbody 34) had been relaxing to the seaside sounds of the Chetnole Community Wind Band when Melvyn (who had dozed off during a Cole Porter boss’s nova arrangement) was obliged suddenly to stand for the national anthem.

He was quite tired poor thing as we had had an unusually late night” said Noodles (42-28-34). "We had been to a Connie Francis tribute night the evening before and he was so pumped up that when we got back to our hotel I had to give him a helping hand just to get him down. After that he was bound to be a bit deflated and he just sort of flaked out after lunch today. Then out of nowhere comes a request to stand for the national anthem. Well he tried to spring to his feet but I was leaning over him at the time looking for his credit cards and he just sort of bounced off my “new birthday presents” and went straight back down again. He was so upset. He likes to stand up for the Queen (as he calls me!) but he can’t always manage it to order."

A spokesperson for the Threadbourneville Bandstand Association denied negligence, claiming that the requirement to stand at the end of the concert was both well-known and well-publicised on signs around the venue. “We can’t be held responsible for what people get up to before they arrive here or the state they find themselves in. If someone is in no fit shape for a wind band concert that’s their look out I'm afraid. We do advise older people that there can be an element of excitement involved. After that it’s caveat emptor or whatever the euphonium equivalent is - cave musicae ventus - I suppose."

Head of the Royal Dorset Constabulary Sir Rising Crimewave confirmed that police were aware of the incident but were taking no further interest in the matter. "It seems a straightforward case of the barely moving force hitting the surgically irresistible object". Noodles declined to say whether the couple were likely to sue. "We will go home and see how he is. If he can stand up straight without flopping sideways in a few days time we might leave it at that."

TOP: The site of the unfortunate incident: people should be warned that listening to wind bands can be dangerous, campaigners say; [BOTTOM] Melvyn an upright citizen when circumstances allow with Noodles whose belief that it is better to give than receive can be tested at times. "I only want what's best for me", she said.

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