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Noodles In The Soup

Noodles Goodbody (42-28-34) the glamour model, public face of Breast Enhancements'R'Us [Dawlish] and partner of former Territorial Army reservist Mr Melvyn Scoops (86) appeared at Symondsbury Magistrates Court on Friday last charged with "wasting police time" after, it was alleged, she had waylaid Dorset Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave at a cocktail party in Poxwell earlier in the week.

A witness said that Ms Goodbody (42-28-34) had approached the Chief Constable armed with a Jaeger bomb and a cocktail olive and had proceeded to "shove them in his face" in "an alarming and provocative manner". "I don't think, looking at Lady Crimewave, Sir Rising had ever been so close to anything like them before", another witness said. "His eyes lit up momentarily, he glanced at Lady Crimewave, and somehow all the joy seemed to drain from his face".

What happened next is disputed: Ms Goodbody claims that she "entertained" the Chief Constable "for about ten minutes" by regaling him with tales of her reconstructive surgery and that he was fascinated by what she had to say; even going so far as to inquire about the costs and the possibility of performing the procedure on "a wife of a certain age".*

* This seems far-fetched. Would a woman of Ms Goodbody's generation even know the meaning, let alone the proper grammatical use, of the verb 'to regale' ? [ed]

A spokesperson for Dorset Police, however, insisted that Sir Rising was "minding his own business" when he was "approached by a young lady who proceeded to berate him about the failure of his force to prosecute those responsible for wind band protocols at the Threadboneville Bandstand. It would appear she was in some kind of dispute with the Chetnole Community Wind Band and concert organisers. It was a social situation and not one in which Sir Rising often finds himself - especially with Lady Crimewave on the prowl" **

** sounds more authentic ergo more likely to me [ed]

A further witness, who had failed to identify Ms Goodbody at a subsequent Identity Parade ("I've never seen her with her puppies in the kennel, so to speak"), said he could not be absolutely sure what had transpired. "I can't be absolutely sure what transpired", he said. "I mean who listens to the piped musak when you're checking out the goods on the shelf".

Partner and one time Territorial Army Reservist (Catering Division) Mr Melvyn Scoops was unable to clarify matters: "I think I must have dozed off", he said, "I remember Noodles handing me a rather powdery dry martini and hearing Ray Conniff's "Killing Me Softly With Her... something or other" in the background and then it was all a blur ***. Next thing I knew there was a kerfuffle and I couldn't find my AMEX card".

*** The Essential Ray Coniff (remastered and reissued 2000) Ray Conniff Singers and Orchestra, Ray Conniff [Hornimint Nostalgia]

The case was adjourned for the weekend.

Noodles Goodbody with her partner Melvyn Scoops outside Symondsbury Court House on Friday. She denies charges of wasting police time and a minor offence of assaulting a Chief Constable's wife with a cocktail sausage.

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