In what is now believed to be a case of mistaken identity, a woman who was wrongly prosecuted for changing her name by deed poll was today taken into the Dorset Police Protection Programme [DPPP] and (to the consternation of those who think they used to know who she was) given a brand new identity.
Doris Deeds of 12 Wellington Terrace, Broadwindsor and who was briefly Chloris Steeds of 99 Lancaster Avenue, Burton Bradstock is now believed to be operating under the top secret name of Claris Meads and living at No 4a Halifax Close, Buckhorn Weston.
Asked what on earth was going on, Dorset's Chief Constable, Sir Rising Crimewave, explained that it was complicated. "There’s always a balance to be struck between allowing people a certain anonymity and being able to find them when you need to. If people keep changing their names and addresses it’s hard for us to keep tabs on them. Have you any idea how many people there are in the Greater Caundle Marsh area and how annoying it is when they change their names and addresses? If people would just stay still for a while and stop this name changing nonsense, it would help us a lot".
Asked if police were now overwhelmed as a result of the name changing epidemic ("we are aware of maybe two Deed Poll applications already in 2018") and needed greater resources to keep the public safe, Sir Rising was coy. "Absolutely not he said. We just need people to do the decent thing: to stand still, stick with the names we have on record for them and keep their noses clean. That way we would know who and where they are and we wouldn't have to keep changing their names for them when we mistakenly reveal their new identities". "It's not easy to keep coming up with new names you know ... we're forever googling down at the station."
POSTSCRIPT. As a result of Sir Rising’s inadvertent revelation of Mrs Deeds/Steeds/Meads new secret identity, she has applied to the Dorset Deed Poll Office for a further name change. "We understand she now wishes to be known as Boris Beads and may have changed her identity more than at first thought", a spokesperson for the Royal Dorset Police said. "Oh bugger!" Constable Witless added, on realising that he had "let the cat out of the bag yet again". "You people, and your clever questioning... dammit ... she'll have to be Morris Creeds now and that's a lot of paperwork you know".