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She Scoops To Conquor

A woman who admitted to accidentally kidnapping her husband's mistress, starving her for three weeks in a damp cellar and ransacking her house before ceremonially melting down her extensive latex collection walked from Stoborough Green Crown Court yesterday "without a stain on her character", as Ms Justice E Kwallwrights dismissed all charges against her.

63 year old Mrs Edwina Scoops of 41 Cloacle Street, Puncknowle - who cannot be named for legal reasons - had been charged with several offences under the Mistresses Protection (1932) Act, but prosecutors were unable to convince the judge that Mrs Scoops's confession had been obtained in the proper way. "Just because a woman admits to a crime does not prove she is guilty". Ms Justice Kwallwrights said. "Here is a woman who has been to hell and back", she added, "devoting the best years of her life to a philandering former Territorial Army Reservist (Catering Division) who can barely keep awake long enough to appreciate the care which she has lavished upon him for more than 45 years". Asked if the verdict might not have been best left to the jury, Ms Justice Kwullrights was clear: "some decisions are too important to be left in the hands of the legal system. Mrs Scoops is a personal friend and so very well-known to me. The jury don't know her from Adam, so there was always a chance that in the lottery which is the jury system things wouldn't have gone the way I wanted them to. It was therefore right and proper that I should take the steps I did to ensure that justice was served as I would have it served and the verdict I had predetermined was in fact delivered".

Friends of Mrs Scoops said that she had become convinced that her husband was having an affair with his former therapist and advisor Ms Noodles Goodbody (aka Ms Alwys Willingan-Abel) (42-28-34) when she discovered a Credit Card charge for £5,000's worth of cosmetic surgery and was "pretty sure it wasn't a down payment on a birthday present for me".

Former Territorial Army Reservist (Catering Division) Mr Melvyn Scoops was unavailable for comment. "This has all been a very stressful time for Melvyn and he's having a lie-down", his brother Osborn said. "It's been a bad day all round. Earlier he got his Barclaycard bill for June and it was quite a bit more than he was expecting".

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: Ms Justice E Kwallwrights ("a representative of justice who is unquestionably short-sighted but far from blind and, in any event, some way short of the ideal); the Ideal (of which the unquestionably short-sighted Ms Justice E Kwallwrights was said to be some way short); Exhibit 42FF thought to be Ms Goodbody before her surgery; Mrs Edwina Scoops who, the court was told by the judge, was "a blameless victim who deserved (and certainly needed) surgery as much if not more than Ms Goodbody".

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