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Last Knockings

A Reconstructed Collector Writes:

In what I hope will prove an end to the increasingly tiresome reminiscences of ageing former thrill-seekers, I - a reconstructed collector - surrender - in an act of supreme expiation - a copy of the cover of East Dorset Women and Carrier Bags Magazine which was yet another of the mildly titillating titles published by the Batcombe Press and referred to yesterday (in somewhat dismissive tones) by your correspondent Mr Melvyn Scoops.

The magazine itself belonged to my father Otto Brustliebhaber who was an overseas subscriber in the early 1950s. Tired of the depiction of well-regulated and disappointingly athletic Aryan women - the staple of our own mittlere Regalmagazine Gesundheit und Effizienz (he was no great fan of Tischtennis either, preferring his jungefrau "liegend und unterwürfig") - he sent off to England in hope of more intellectually-stimulating material. The postage costs (not to mention the customs delays) were potentially ruinous but, having endured much in the Hitler Youth's Gartenbauabteilung (Municiple Gardening Division) he was a stoic at heart and had the humpeln to prove it.

I cannot say whether he found either trost or erleichterung in his purchases - his collection was only discovered after his death in a small recess under the floorboards in which my grandmother had once hidden chickens from the Nazis - but I do know that my mother was not best pleased to find them. I believe her exact words were "der schmutzige, schlaue, unzüchtige, schummelnde vaterlos". In any event his subscription was brief; though that was probably more the result of an unfortunate argument with the briefträger (my father was loath to believe that the gaping hole in the plain envelope was ein stomatographisches stumpfes Trauma-Ergebnis (a sorting-office-based blunt trauma incident) than post-delivery ennui per se.

In any event, I hope that this will put an end to your continuing attempts to pass off low grade military-issue soft pornography as cultural comment. As my father would have said, if you want to feature that kind of material "lass uns ein paar richtige Titten haben und nicht um den heißen Brei herumreden".

Happily I myself have moved on. With access to semi-fast Threadbone Dialup Narrow Band (£75 per month + VAT, half price for first month, initial installation fees of £350 apply), I no longer buy or keep such magazines. The world wide interweb truly is a treasure trove for the inquisitive. My father would have verschlang es mit einem sehr großen Löffel!


Max Brustliebhaber

Proprietor Corfe Mullen Photographic Studio and Dark Room Facility [Discretion is our zweiter vorname)

East Dorset Women and Carrier Bags Magazine was yet another title in the Batcombe Press's Popular Magazines range. It appealed to only a narrow sector of the middle-shelf magazine market though overseas sales were brisk - especially in still war-torn Germany where the site of a carrier bag full of vegetables and other comestibles was welcome if frustrating.

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