Ron Nasty, editor of the ever-popular Sydling St Nicholas Sun [Dorsets best selling paper) has today issued a searing inditement of Stanton St Gabriel's Bio-ethical Helloweener festivities which took place on the village green last night. Villagers had earlier decided to replace the traditional Helloweener ceremonials with a nature-inspired event of their own devising, calling in a local group of druids (Chants R' Us, Sandford Orcas Chapter) to help things along.
"Where was the pig and where were the traditional jodhpurs, booties and a shorty-raincoat?", Mr Nasty thunders. "And what were those deprived of their hog roast supposed to do?", he continues, "Join in with flim-flam, ode-chanting, wind-worshiping, tree-hugging fannying around of a bunch of dykes and wally-wooftas and go home to a coleslaw sundae?" "Give me an honest pig-sticking any day." "THE SUN SAYS: The pig's here to stay; It's the True Dorset Way!" Mr Nasty has vowed to back any campaign to restore the ancient ceremony next year.
Stanton St Gabriel's vicar, The Reverend Alwys Trimming was, however, quick to defend the villagers' decision describing it as "an act of moral courage in the face of mediaeval barbarism and a blow for ecumenical modernity". Asked what exactly he meant by that, the Reverend Trimming confessed that he was not sure, adding, "we stand on a moral precipice and a wrong foot either way could lead to disaster. We must exercise great care, consult spiritually and in good faith and respect all parties and opinions". Brushing him aside, Stanton St Gabriel's for A Culinary Bioethical Helloweener 's Campaign Chair - Ms Anodyne Killjoy - was more decisive. After asking the Vicar to "Kindly f**k off and pester the choir boys instead", Ms Killjoy announced that next year's festival would make no compromises but would instead be a bigger and better version of 2018's. Asked in what respect it would be bigger and better, she suggested "More druids, more flames, bigger pumpkins and a low-salt alternative in the faux pork scratchings arena".
Last night's Stanton St Gabriel's Bio-ethical Helloweener festivities were not to all tastes. The Sydling St Nicholas Sun spoke for many when it claimed the ceremonies were "piss poor and complete shite when compared to previous years".
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