The Chancellor of the University of Affpuddle, supermarket supremo Lord Waitaminute gave his traditional December Address today at the Commencement of the University's Annual Pre-Christmas Degree Sales Campaign. Simultaneously a fundraiser and a celebration of inclusivity, the "Great Sales" - a revival we are told of the estimable medieval practice of hawking indulgences - are open to anyone with the wherewithal to dig deep into their own (or someone else's) pockets with a view to gaining academic advancement.
The University of Affpuddle is hoping to appeal to all ages in its drive to equalise the opportunity for all with the wherewithal to do so to purchase a degree for a family friend, relative or loved-one.
In what he described as "great news for those thinking of buying an undergraduate degree next year", Lord Waitaminute - who was drafted in by the University and charged with introducing best supermarket practice into the go-ahead University's business plan - announced the availability of "a wide range of affordable BA and BSc courses obtainable either “off the shelf” or in our “design it yourself” range from as little as £7,000". "All degrees", he announced, "come with full accreditation [from the CNAAARA [Central Dorset Academic Academies Registration Authority]] and are supplied complete with beautifully crested full-colour degree certificates on high quality (240 gram) paper [suitable for framing]". "So why not treat yourself to the degree only you know you deserve and start progressing your career today!", he asked (oratorically).
Pro-Vice Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs and On-Campus Betting Services, Professor Grantham Capricorn adds "It couldn’t be simpler [Just as well [ed]] - simply enter your personal details using our easy to access and even easier to complete online form, state the degree required, set up your standing order instructions and wait for the postman’s friendly knock as your degree is delivered to your door with no further intervention from you!"
"Getting a degree has never been easier and rarely so economical", he continued. "And remember - a first class degree is guaranteed, provided you complete the schedule of payments in the prescribed time."
"When it comes to ensuring a hassle-free, study-light, fully-accredited first class honours degree experience, no institution has a better track record or is better value for money [Which Degree Should I Buy Magazine July 2017] than the University of Affpuddle." the VC and former DeLorean Motor Company Executive claimed.
So why not enrol today and start earning extra degree points every time you shop at the University of Affpuddle’s Hi-tech no-nonsense, express check-out Campus Superstore.
And whilst you are filling up your own personal educational shopping basket why not take advantage of our early checkout offers and upgrade to an MBA or MPhil for only £2000."
Hesitate no longer: Enter your details now using the promotion code ALLSHALLHAVEPRIZES and start on the pathway to guaranteed self-improvement"
Warning: The value of degrees can go down as well as up!"
[CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT] Business is brisk at the University of Affpuddle's annual Christmas Degree Sale particularly on PhD Day (Scarlet Monday); meanwhile a sympathetic course tutor tries to find degrees suitable for all pockets; mature students Mildred and Totty Bleakprospect look for "something lovely to buy" - "perhaps a BA would be nice if they have one in grey and in my size"; Tommy X (name withheld under Child Protection legislation) was hoping for a degree in Astrophysics but has settled for the more affordable MPhil in Tomato Sizing; Pamela Chuffington-Barbour is delighted with her purchases having taken advantage of the large discount on PhDs in the Scarlet Monday sale to buy two as well as an MSc for her long-suffering husband!
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