A Jolly Good Caulking Too

The University of Affpuddle's Lady Diana Distinguished Professor of Culinary History [Emeritus] - Professor Winston Wolffe-Hall - has today come out "all guns blazing" in what academics believe is likely to prove a head-on collision with thrupiecefilm's Louis B Threadbone, executive in charge of the studio's latest historical blockbuster Mary Queen of Sorts.

Distinguished in his own right (he is the author of more than one book and (according to the Dorset Dictionary of Biography (DDB)) "no slouch in the kitchen either") Professor Wolffe-Hall has challenged the film's makers to reveal their sources - particularly with regard to the claim that England, Scotland, Spain, Belorus and the Turks & Caicos Islands were at war in 1597 over the right to assert protected designation of origin (PDO) status for tortilla ships under 850 tonnes manufactured in registered naval shipyards under EU license [E343232321323432323212232324553b (DREXIT temporary suspension pending)].

"Tortilla ships were a Dorset invention pure and simple", Professor Wolffe-Hall states in his daily blog (tortillaships'r'ours.com). "Patents were filed in 1489 more than 350 years before patents were even invented and these included provision for a cheesy dusting (a form of caulking) and dry-stone walling (a Yorkshire prophylactic used to prevent lubricious seepage)". "Some may consider matters of historical accuracy pedantic - the kind of thing of concern only to distinguished professors like myself - but our very essence as sentient contextually-informed human beings is at stake here. We are bringing children into a world in which what is seen on the big screen IS history and the real historical facts are being dismissed as the concern only of a few gay men with attitude [for a fine example of one at work, see Richard Starkly-Raving Madder "The Seven Wives of Henry VIII [Part One]"]." "The status of Dorset tortilla ships was never disputed and never in doubt", he continued, "and if saying so puts me on a collision course with thrupiecefilm executive Louis B Threadbone, executive in charge of the studio's latest historical blockbuster Mary Queen of Sorts, then so be it". "I am coming out", he said ... before adding some moments later "in the sense that all my guns are blazing".

Professor Wolffe-Hall later apologised to Richard Starkly-Raving Madder for "unintentionally offering false hope".

The University of Affpuddle's Lady Diana Distinguished Professor of Culinary History [Emeritus] - Professor Winston Wolffe-Hall who has been accused by fellow historian Richard Starkly-Raving Madder of "an unintentional but nonetheless hurtful closet slippage".