Alpacino: Gateway To A Change Of Life

Another exciting INFOMERCIAL from The Threadbone Corporation.

Ever looked in the mirror and felt tired of seeing the same old you? Bored with the same familiar face and personality staring back at you every day? Ever wanted to look and feel like someone else - perhaps someone unbelievably distinguished and famous - like - for example - the "missing presumed disappeared" Professor Brian Thrupiece?

Well, thanks to the revolutionary formula of all new Hollywood-inspired Alpacino hair demoraliser, you can do just that. Yes you can have all the style and personality of Professor Thrupiece in just a few applications thanks to Alpacino's fast-acting all-new patent action hair diminisher.*

* appearance changes are guaranteed; personality changes may require further action on the user's part - possibly in conjunction with a certified psychiatric practitioner.

Alpacino is recognised world-wide as the leading Professor Thrupiece simulation hair preparation. Containing several as yet untested unnatural inorganic chemical derivatives - including dustdrine™, fluffex™, sulphurixedine™ and inflammexidrine™ - Alpacino is not yet approved for High Street Sales but can be ordered direct from the manufacturer Threadbone Toxic Recyclables Ltd.

Customers across the West Country who have already tried Alpacino just can't get enough of it as the following unsolicited testimonials prove:

MR AJT, Corfe Mullen: "I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the same old me; bored with the same familiar face and personality staring back at me every day. I wanted to feel like someone else - someone unbelievably distinguished and famous like, for example, my boyhood hero the "missing presumed disappeared" Professor Brian Thrupiece. So I gave Alpacino a try and couldn't believe the results."

Mr OF, Todber: "It's great, suddenly my hair is thinner, has no life and - as promised - incredibly Professor Thrupiece like. By growing a moustache and sourcing suitable spectacles, I can now comb over the few remaining strands on my crown and look amazingly Thrupiece-like. It's a transformation that has left all my friends wondering."

Mr DHRA, Piddletrenthide: "After three applications I was already beginning to look and feel very different and after more than a dozen I now look years older. Though not recommended, I found occasional ingestion of Alpacino made my eyes bulge in a very Thrupiece-like way - just the thing for those who want to go "the whole hog". Now people really notice and talk about me in ways they never did before."

Mr RSCBE, Great Heaving: "I can't believe I've done this."

Mrs EW-M, Lytchett Matravers: "Aaaargh. What the f**k!"

Convinced? Of course you are, but if not, why not write today for your free sample of Alpacino and if you're not completely satisfied we will restore what's left of your personality - but not of your hair.*

* Terms and conditions apply. Return of sanity not guaranteed. The Threadbone Corporation is an independent unregulated multi-national trading as The Threadbone Corporation and registered in the Dutch Antilles. If you encounter strange reactions to your appearance, consult a psychiatrist immediately.

Celebrities such as Tom Shortaars [TOP] as well as regular-guy-in-the-street types like Dick Whimp [BOTTOM] are amongst those wanting to take the Professor Thrupiece route to appearance engineering. No matter what their background, status or ambitions, many men are finding Alpacino "the way to go". [NB Professor Thrupiece spectacles and clothing are not supplied but can be sourced separately from Threadsavers and Threadburtons The Tailors respectively; moustaches can [or cannot] be grown according to owner's testosterone levels.] Images courtesy Slaphead/Comb-over Ltd.