Contrary to popular rumour (neither encouraged nor peddled in these columns). concerning the recent visit to Dorset of Commisare Arsène Bèrglare and his garçons de la délégation des Autorités Suisses, sources close to thrupiecetv have learned that the suave and telegenic Commisare was indeed the bearer of new evidence pertaining to the disappearance from a Swiss hotel room in 2005 of Culinary Bio-ethics Professor Brian Thrupiece. The notorious incident - which has come to be known, sur le continent, as Cornarvin-porte - is still the subject of on-gong inquiries by the doughty Autorités Suisses who have yet to officially "ferme le livre" on the matter.
The new evidence - described as "a smoking bun" - is believed to come in the form of a transcript of a memo found under a pain au raisin hidden in the Geneva offices of Sepp Blatter and seized during a police swoop of FIFA's headquarters more than two years ago.
Standard issue FIFA drawer in which the incriminating evidence was cunningly hidden "in plain sight". Note the FIFA unlimited withdrawals Bank Card bearing the President's signature - conclusive evidence that Mr Blatter had frequent and easy access to the drawer.
Asked to explain the delay in revealing the existence of this - perhaps vital - piece of evidence, a spokesperson for l'Autorités Suisse was coy. However, French-Hungarian forensics expert Ferencic Expêrte told investigative reporters from The Sydling St Nicholas Sun that its disinterment from the "produits de boulangerie" [baked goods] to which it had apparently become attached may have had to await the development of new and specialist techniques de dégagement.
"Je crois que nous avons affaire à un petit pain particulièrement collant", he said, "un petit pain capable de s'infiltrer dans tout ce qui se trouve à proximité et capable de contaminer tout contenu écrit; peut-être même au point d'illisibilité. Naturellement, les Autorités Suisses n'auraient pas voulu risquer de perdre la preuve susceptible de changer les choses.".
["I believe we are dealing here with a particularly sticky bun - one with the power to seep into anything proximate to it and capable of contaminating any written content; possibly to the point of illegibility. Naturally the Swiss Authorities would not have wanted to risk the loss of what could prove to be case changing evidence".]
That memo: clear evidence of Pain au
Raisin staining remain despite the best
efforts of the experts légistes
des autorités suisses.
Copies of the Memo were obtained under an FOI request by The Sydling St Nicholas Sun - a remarkable coup for the hard-hitting and serial-award winning Dorset Newspaper of the Year which has been actively investigating Cornarvin-porte from jour un.
THAT TRANSCRIPT IN FULL
From: President Sepp Blatter To: Johnny Infantile-Distèmpêre
CC: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE OK!!
The Deli Kat-Essen deal looks like going through. You and I know he's crocked and not worth £10,000 but we'll get Herston Athletic to value him at £750,000 and take £700,000 from the deal. 50:50 split and don't tell Chuck [Fleece-Jacket] - he's a flake and could be working for the Americans.
We need, of course, to maintain deniability: I will deny I know you, you deny you know me and we will both deny we know anything about anything - especially the Cowan business*
PS I have noticed a guy who looks just like that Professor Thrupiece chap, hanging around the Cornarvin - sometimes with a blonde? Do you think it's him? Do you think he suspects? We might have to have a word.
*a reference to Nobby Cowan who was sold to Todber United for £35 with £27.8 million pounds going in the other direction in what were described as "out of pocket expenses". Once revealed - Cowangate - became a notorious symbol of all that was wrong in the Dorset football transfer market. [NB Not to be confused with Cow and Gate, a generally reputable and well-regarded supplier of dairy products and other farm-based comestibles to the domestic market.]
Cow and Gate - a company not yet
embroiled in the FIFA scandal
Evil Under the Bun: The Sydling St Nicholas Sun has published a likeness of the pain au raisin under which the new evidence was found. Once piping hot it is now stone cold: a symbol perhaps of a trail gone cold.
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