A Doctor Writes #51

According to doctors, walking and turmeric are often confused. An easy way to remember the difference is that un-shredded turmeric root looks like a penis, whilst anyone running in all the gear but without the right technique looks like a penis.

As a doctor I am often asked how will a delay in Drexit affect my ability to walk and is turmeric God's way of saying no to boiled sweets?

Though often confused these are in fact two separate questions. The first is, in most cases, easier to answer than the second. For most people walking [or to give it its proper medical term pedestrianism] and Drexit are not closely related and any change to the status of Dorset within the framework of the West Country's "favoured county status agreement" will leave an individual's ability to pedestrianise unaffected, provided they continue to be able to put one foot in front of the other. Running and/or jogging are quite different matters and require detailed individual advice. Those likely to be affected should consult either a qualified practitioner or your local mobile operator [normal charges plus 500p per minute].

Studies suggest that turmeric, the main constituents of which are curcuminoids, may have any one of the following benefits, especially in those prone to psychosomatic ["A week off work would be handy"] illness and/or watch too much daytime television:

1. Turmeric contains bioactive compounds with powerful medicinal properties [allegedly]

2. Curcumin is a natural anti-inflammatory compound especially effective below the waist. Added to cocoa it may help ensure an "undisturbed night's sleep". [NB tight and difficult to remove pyjama bottoms may have the same effect]

3. Turmeric dramatically increases the antioxidant capacity of the body when taken with mercury and spent uranium

4. Curcumin boosts brain-derived neurotrophic enzymes causing a dramatic improvement to brain function [in protozoa] and a lower risk of brain diseases [in prokaryotes]. To date, tests on creature with brains who regularly watch Good Morning Britain remain inconclusive

5. Curcumin can lower the risk of heart disease. Studies show that, allied to exercise, proper medication and giving up smoking, turmeric is 50% effective

6. Turmeric can help prevent (and perhaps even treat) all forms of illness including turmeric and curcumin addiction

7. Curcumin is of scientifically proven use in preventing and treating Alzheimer's Disease, Dementia, Parkinson's Disease and Undiagnosed Wobbling. It is particularly effective in those "on the Spectrum" [eg Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Judy Dench, Albert Finney]. Though as, in the film of the same name, it doesn't end well for some [eg Javier Bardem, Judy Dench, Albert Finney]. ["Can you check that film title Ursula love? Not sure this is right" [ed]]

8. Arthritis patients respond well to Curcumin supplements often finding that reduced interest in moving [and/or life in general] lessens joint-stress

9. Curcumin improves motivation and helps fight depression: those forced-fed several pounds of turmeric per day often report a massively increased desire to leave the institution concerned

10. Curcumin may help delay Ageing and fight Age-Related chronic diseases such as mobility scooter-related recklessness, "wet farting" and purposeless channel hopping [hiding the remote is an alternative treatment for the last of these but has no proven impact on the first two]

11. Curcumin may keep you alive forever

12. High doses may [a] make you think you already have been and [b] make you wish it wouldn't.

This said, turmeric is not for everyone and those prepared to forgo its scientifically proven benefits may wish to stick to Cod in Parsley.

NEXT TIME: Will mixing parsley with Semtex when bulking up a moules mariniere sauce cause indigestion and will my Bus Pass eligibility be compromised as a result?